She says she gave me all the room in the world to care...

But she barely tells me crap. I would care if she bothered to tell me. Some days, I wish I could crawl into her head and find out what she was thinking. I get the need to keep secrets, but you can't expect me to care about something you don't tell me about. I made the opening for you to find out my big secret, the skeleton in my closet, but you basically say screw it, you're not my friend anymore, and why would I care, you flipped out at me. Do you miss the reason, right under your nose? Half of these posts are sorrow drowned away by caffeine, morphed and changed into anger. She was my best friend, closer than my own sister, but I'm sick of late nights up trying to forget or crying.
She says she gave me all the room in world, and maybe she did. Maybe I just overlooked it because what she said didn't seem major or I didn't know how to express my care. I have a feeling she won't read this, but even if she does, I'm too honest. I only cared as much as I was allowed, but when I'm told next to nothing, how am I suppose to care?
So, if you're reading this, miss Echo, tell me, what was it I was suppose to care about? I'm sick of feeling ready to claw out my throat because it feels swollen shut. I'm sick of nearly always being ready to cry. I think I figured out my problem with you guys dating. Maybe it was just I needed to talk to him about what he said, but I'm sorry I took out any anger on you. You're an amazing friend, Echo, and I'm sorry I totally ruined it all.

Just For Echo.

Echo, the timing was bad because you made it bad. You asked him out. It wasn't "Oh, he asked me out and I've liked him for a while." How would you know that I would be ticked if you had waited a year? Honestly, I'm not ticked at him anymore. I'm ticked that someone I thought was my best friend decided that four days after her faggot told me, word for word, "You know what Lexi drop dead. Go kill yourself I don't care. You would be doing the world a huge favor. This whole time I have felt horrible about myself. And you don't give a shit. I could die tonight and you wouldn't care.." Yeah, I should totally be supportive of you dating someone like this. Actually, since I'm not your best friend and am meaningless to both of you, I am happy for you.
I totally never thought they would get together! I'm soo uber happy for both of them! I hope they spend many hours together, pointing out every one of their flaws to each other. Oh, wait, it was just me that they pointed out my flaws to.
BUT I have to honestly address this:
And I am sick of it and so is Echo. She also said you are jealous because she talks to me more than you.

At the time, I honestly denied being jealous, but since I was her best friend, yeah, I was jealous she spoke to someone more than she spoke to me. You know why I stopped acting like a best friend, Echo? You didn't make me feel like I was your best friend. "I'm more comfortable with him." And you also said you trusted him more than me. You know, I thought I would miss you, spend nights crying myself to sleep like I did with Matt-senpai when she left, but still no tears or missing you. This whole thing has been like a slap in the face, over and over. I would rather move on with my life, so if you follow my blog, don't...and lose my number. While I was trying hard to not be ticked off at you for thinking he's the coolest thing next to Antarctica, Taylor was magically making me feel better, making me want tell her everything about. I didn't ever tell you everything about me because I felt that you would tell him and he would just use it to hurt me. Honestly, if you had waited about a year from that Friday, I wouldn't have cared, but you waited until Tuesday. Man, totally makes you seem like a best friend.

The timing was bad because you made it bad. You asked him out, not the other way around. So, in the words of your oh so great boyfriend, drop dead. I don't care if this makes you wanna try to save face by saying you're sorry. I'm sick of the drama YOU purposely cause. Maybe this didn't start when you started dating him. You did talk to him more, so I guess apparently you told him you're sick of me before your "I NEED A MAN!!!" senses kicked in.

I'M SICK OF IT!!

I'm sick of logging into myspace and seeing "missing him" or some other bull. BRAVO, Doll, you have a boyfriend, but I didn't ever think you'd become one of those hos that always missing him. It's a single day into summer break, imagine how it's gonna be at the end of summer. If you miss him so much, quit texting me and call HIM. I would rather slit my own wrists than hear about how much you miss him.
Sorry about ranting, but I just feel like ranting. I feel as though I'm suffocating, too. Also, while she's missing him, I'm not really missing anyone. Except for Taylor and Sarah. I really do miss them. I would miss this dude named William but we've texted a lot. Echo, baby, if you miss him, meet up with him, kiss him, hump him, do whatever you have to so that I don't have to hear about how much you miss him and how sad it makes you. Because I'm sorry you miss him more than you can even consider missing me. You have been away from him A DAY. Unless you mean some other guy...but I highly doubt that. I don't miss Echo because I would rather choke than be put in the same categories Shadow. Did she think of how it would effect our friendship? I doubt it, she's so selfish. I wish I could block her out like I've done with my dog who has heart worms. I just don't want to hear about it, alright? Woo, he's effing amazing and darn, I'm the worse person ever because I wanted to make for sure that you weren't cutting. Sorry I wouldn't just drop it and leave it alone because it's not something you just drop and leave alone. Sorry for caring.
Wait, that's not what this is about... I really care about my friend, but I don't miss her because she misses him and not me. It's so crazy and selfish, I know, but I used to miss her anytime we weren't together. I thought it was because she's my best friend...guess not.

MAY!!

It's almost the end of MAY and school. School ends the twenty-fifth, I thinks. Dance tomorrow, but I'm scared to death. I hate talking about how I....feel... It's effing crazy. How do I feel? Tired, numb, bored, creative. So many ideas run through my head a day. No wonder I end up tired. =3 Anyway, it's nearly midnight and I've gotta write SOMETHING before bed. Can't believe all the arguments I'm getting into with my friend. It's like.... She's always ticked at me for something, it seems. And so we argue and it feels ironic because I've gotten so used to it that when we do I go into this shell where what she says just rolls right off, numb. It's pure insanity. There is nothing more to be said about anything like this. It's just insanity. First she dates this guy who is a total hobag to me, then expects me to be HAPPY for her, and we start getting into arguments. How can I be HAPPY for her when she's dating someone who treats me, someone who is suppose to be her best friend, like crap? Bros before hos, dearest. I do feel kinda bad because I haven't kept up with HER blog, but only because I don't remember the link to it... The scariest thing about this existence is that it seems as though she knows absolutely nothing about me. Sure I need some of her attention because I like talking to her, hanging out with her, but I don't need all of it, something I've proven over and over again and yet she says I do.Yes, I'm going to be mad about her dating this dude for quite some time, even if I think I've gotten over it. Why? Because anytime he can he's a total hobag to me. Do I still love her as my best friend? Even though she's treating me just as bad as he is, yeah, because she is my best friend. Unlike how she feels with me, I'm comfortable with her. Though, I must admit that my trust in her has gone down a lot because I feel as though anything I say will be morphed and used against me in a court of Shadow and Echo.* I don't know, I feel as though my trust is easily gained, but always easily lost, also. Over thinking is honestly what I'm best at, and that sometimes get me into trouble. I hate that they all say I act like I'm better than everyone else. I don't. I act like me, always have. Honestly, I thought after... wow, five years, you would be fine with me being me. Can't believe it, five effing years. If you hate it so much, quit hanging around me. Problem solved. Just tell me that's what you're doing so I don't be "arrogant" by texting you when I didn't know that's what you were doing. I know this sounds like think my friends are disposable, but I really don't. All of my friends, I have a deep bond with them and that's what makes them my friends. Shadow, yeah, there's no "deep bond" there. He's a hobag and I can't stand him. He can't decide on nearly anything. To me, his exists would be meaningless if he wasn't my best friend's boyfriend. Actually, he used to be one of my friends, but told me various ways I could die/ kill myself and he wouldn't care. It made me want to take something to my throat, cut it just enough to bleed, and then go to school like that because one of the ways was that I could slit my throat. Haha, aren't you such a great person. Wait, let me prove my sarcastic side! This dude is effing amazing, like, seriously. He sssoo didn't seem judgmental of ALL Christians when he decided to be Satanic, didn't make any generalizations about my religion. I'm sure he's, like, an effing saint compared to me. He's so humble, and uber sweet. He doesn't hurt anything or one. He's the most perfectest person evers and I totally approve that he's with my best friend who is being sooo much more nicer to me now that's she's dating him. End of total sarcasm. In actuality, from my reality, Shadow made many generalizations about... everyone. He was surprised to receive kindness from one of the "preps" simply because they're a "prep." Choke me. I'm gonna laugh out loud if Echo reads this, all the way through. Won't gain me any brownie points, that's fer sure. OOHH, I wanna listen to that now, even though I should totally be in bed. Yeah, I've got that... strange mind set where anything I think of can, and will, come out through my fingers (or pencil onto paper IF I can). I'm so bubbly on the internet, by the way. I usually, in real life, have sense of, "Am I doing this in a me type of form?" but on the internet I'm like, "Who here knows me? No. Effing. One."
As you may be noticing, I say effing. Why not just type the word? I do not cuss. Darn right. Okay, back to my sexy train of thought, I was actually pretty ticked at Echo today after lunch. I mean, she basically called ALL cutters out there stupid. Idiot. The act of cutting may be stupid, but the people who do it aren't. What she actually said was, "I'm not stupid enough to do that." We were on the topic of her cutting, though. Some people with ACTUAL depression that isn't treated cut. People with VERY high IQs will get depression. Ohhh yeah, they're soooo stupid. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. I'm in one of those moods where my sarcasm is coming out quicker that it can be processed. RAWR!! I have this stupid reaction paper to write still! Can't believe I'm gonna put it off until tomorrow. I'm actually really happy that Echo went to the computer lab to work on hers because then I could speak freely about how stupid she sounded saying that she wasn't stupid enough to cut without being judged. What if I cut, Echo? Am I stupid then? Considering how highly you think of me after you started dating Shadow, you probably think I am without it. Hahaha, snort, haha. OOHHH, today I actually sounded rude. It was soooo strange. I was actually really tired and being the super smart boy that he is, Shadow brought me up, saying at least they would have one person with weird hair at the dance. Like I do this for everyone else. Uhhh, no. I do this because I effing wanna, moron. Anyway, I was too tired to sound sarcastic, but I sooo couldn't keep my sarcastic remark to myself. I barely lifted me head and looked at him and said, "No, I'm gonna wear a black wig...just to crush your dreams." Naturally, he went on the defense. Moron... Despite what he obviously thinks, I don't really mean him harm. Whatever, you know? He can think that and I can think ALL this. I can think Echo went out with him just so she would get attention. And attention she got. It was like, wow... How can this be monumental? I know, I know, I should be supportive, happy. No, sorry. Obviously I'm arrogant, stupid, rude, and some other things, but all of those point to me not being happy or supportive. Why do I think Echo did it for attention? She could've had him any other time before he went on this huge rampage at me, she could've done it next year, but she waited until he told me all this crap. I hate it. It feels as though she cares more about him and having him than about me or understanding why I'm mad. She hasn't even asked why I was mad. I had to tell her that it felt like a slap in the face. Obviously I don't matter too much, but just enough to lie to. She told me she valued our friendship more than dating him, so she was gonna talk to him about just being friends and if he wouldn't have it, she would just break up with him. Doubt she did. Whatever, Echo. Humorous, though, how after dating for less than a month she thinks I'm such a horrible person. I'm CHILDISH is the word you two are looking for. Not stupid, arrogant, ignorant, blah, blah. CHILDISH. Geesh.
I'm soo tired.
Staying alive for just one more day,
Vlad Nightshade.
*please note that Shadow is used simply because I don't feel like saying the dude's real name. This is better than what I call him in my journal, though. Echo is what she calls herself somewhere on here or used to at least.
P.S. Didn't mean to rant, just have built up emotions and not a single person really cares to actually hear them. Not one around me anyway. Whatever.

Moping Realities

I hate moping.
Moping is bad, but I am now moping. Due to the fact I'm 13, almost 14, I doubt I'm in love. No, I think I've go a stupid crush on a stupid person. Knowing that he doesn't like my type of people makes me mopey. What makes it worse is that I mean probably nothing to him. He's cute, and I used to know him and he was so sweet. Now, I hear he's really arrogant and such a jerk. I feel so stupid and out of place thinking about this. I wanna talk to him, but I think I'm scared he'll just ignore me and walk off. Choking on everything I wanna say to him isn't like me. I hate it, the way everything is. I'm suppose to be cool, untouchable.

"I just need a hug."
You shrug,
not your problem, you must think.
Then you'll see her and freaking wink.

I hate you,
but I think I'm trying not to.
So, we'll let time
fly and one of us will feel like this is a crime.

Thinking you're cute,
almost bad enough to make me want to pull the trigger and shoot.
Now, I want to bawl
instead of bouncing off the wall.

This is all I have to say about this. Haha.

Music, Lies, And Me

Maybe this should've been the name of the whole thing, not just this little piece.
Okay, so, Metro Station. I have to say I hate and love them. Their songs, all that I've heard, are upbeat and dancey. That's a reason I really like them. I don't like them because they're just a little inappropriate. While this may seem as though I'm against all inappropriate music, that isn't true. I love Panic! at the Disco's music. Mainly it's the sound and singer's voice that draws me in and their music videos are intensely interesting. I love dancey music. I love it to all of the little pieces that make it up.
So, what lies could I post here? Haha, that could be most of my life. Tell a little lie, make yourself happy. Tell a different lie, make them happy. Then again, my biggest lie yet is saying that I'm brutally honest. With my own friends, there is not a single problem with me telling them what I think, even if it is too honest. My friends must think I walk on water or something, but when I lie, it's almost second nature. If I'm not careful, though, everything will come out when I'm on the computer.
Dang, a little about me. I'm trying out for the high school choir. The top part of my hair is pink. The rest is my natural dark brown. I have two dogs. One is a small, long-haired, indoor dog who is five years old. My other dog a yellow lab mix who is, like, seven years old. He's an old, old man. I can't tell you my own sense of humor because sometimes I can make people laugh and other times they just kinda stare at me, like they don't get it. I love music. Also, I have lots of homework to do and a shower to take.
BYES! Haha,
Nightshade