I started talking to some poor girl on some crappy website. I'll admit, replaying it all in my head, I nearly started crying. Haha, maybe I need, like, a counselor to talk to about this because keeping it all bottled up like I have to to keep this friendship from falling apart is killing me. I get it, I get it, you love him or think you do, so anything I say against it makes me the bad guy. Even if I say that if you had asked him out once school started, I would've been fine with it. Why? Him telling me that killing myself would be doing the world a huge favor would not still be a vivid memory. But no, you could only wait five days. You wanna know why I acted cold when you asked? One, it had been four days then. Two, you were too chicken to ask face-to-face.
But why am I trying to tell you this? I already know what happens with it, in one ear, out the other.
Maybe if I type it enough on here, you'll actually hear it. It hurts because you're suppose to be my best friend and you dating him so soon after he says that is like you going, "I second this."
Why do I even try anymore? I've told you basically the same thing since you started dating him. You don't even hear it. Sure, you listen to it, but you don't care to hear it. I'm sorry, but to have that nice happy relationship with him that you want, you'll have to not be friends with me because I'm always going to be mad about that until you two break up. Don't worry, I won't go off and kill myself.
Answer my phone tomorrow or don't, that is the question.... I'm really leaning to the don't. No one really wants to talk to me anymore anyway.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Trying to Survive When Silence is Deafening.
Spit it out,
the truth,
the whole truth....
only to be told
I am totally
overreacting.
No thought about
what was
said,
shot down with
a mere
sentence.
The silence is
deafening as we sit there,
post-argument silence.
I stand,
walk outside,
run to the railroad tracks...
sit down,
don't cry,
wait until you leave
Because you will leave
and you won't think twice about
leaving me alone.
Slip in once you're gone,
sneak into my room,
sneak out.
Sit on the railroad again,
slip glass out of my mouth,
cut open my bare feet,
finally cry
because the silence you left behind,
yeah, it kills me.
This is one summer memory that stands out so vividly that I can remember all about it. How I was near tears, with my throat tightening, as I screamed at you. Maybe if I scream loud enough, my foolish thoughts said, I'll get through. I still haven't gotten through to you on why it hurts so much, but when I think about it this thought comes along, "Maybe if I actually slit my throat, they would understand."
But I'm just overreacting.
the truth,
the whole truth....
only to be told
I am totally
overreacting.
No thought about
what was
said,
shot down with
a mere
sentence.
The silence is
deafening as we sit there,
post-argument silence.
I stand,
walk outside,
run to the railroad tracks...
sit down,
don't cry,
wait until you leave
Because you will leave
and you won't think twice about
leaving me alone.
Slip in once you're gone,
sneak into my room,
sneak out.
Sit on the railroad again,
slip glass out of my mouth,
cut open my bare feet,
finally cry
because the silence you left behind,
yeah, it kills me.
This is one summer memory that stands out so vividly that I can remember all about it. How I was near tears, with my throat tightening, as I screamed at you. Maybe if I scream loud enough, my foolish thoughts said, I'll get through. I still haven't gotten through to you on why it hurts so much, but when I think about it this thought comes along, "Maybe if I actually slit my throat, they would understand."
But I'm just overreacting.
I know it's wrong...
For me to still be mad, but I am. Sure, I can pretend to be over for the sake of keeping the peace, but deep down I still feel betrayed. It's like saying you agree..only ten times worse. It's like saying you care more about him. Sure, sure, sure, I won't say anything more about it to you...just to keep peace. Don't worry, I'm starting to realize the fact that you hate how...puppy doggish I act. You didn't hate it about Liz, did you? You hated it about me. No worries, dear, I hate it too. You never ask why I do it, barely act like you care, just tell me to quit. Don't ask what goes on in this crazy head. I probably won't tell you, but I swear to you that half the time, I hate myself.
So, whether I stand strong or fall because I can no longer struggle to my knees, my feet, I am the sweet calamity and poison that survives in your world. You say you worry when I take another slice, yet it's still obvious you don't care. "Pretty much everyone cuts." Stupidest. Part. Of. A. Sentence. You've. Sent. Me.
Over the past year, one in five females and one in seven males have engaged in some form of self-injury type behavior. (gotted from here)
Cutting statistics show that 1% of Americans participate in self-injury. (keep in mind this includes some eating disorders) Estimates show that 1 in every 200 girls between 13 and 19 cut themselves regularly.(gotted from here)
No, our school is just stupid/unlucky to have, at least four in the school. Cutting isn't some trend. "Pretty much everyone cuts." Was that suppose to make me feel comforted or make it so I want to? If you weren't my friend and I ACTUALLY thought you were that stupid, I would tell you to go choke on glass.
Don't ask, I randomly got super ticked off about that.
You're my best friend, and I trust you with my life, but there are somethings I just don't want to tell you. Thank goodness you don't ask. I need to feel loved, but lately the only love I seem to feel is none. Did you know? I don't cry anymore unless something is really killing me. Let's just say...it was cut out.
Since we're doing statistics anyway, here are some more...
An estimated 10 – 15% of people with anorexia or bulimia are males
20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems
95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25
50% of girls between the ages of 11 and 13 see themselves as overweight
These came from here
40% of 9-year-old girls have dieted
Only 1 in 10 people with an eating disorder will receive treatment and out of this number 80% do not receive treatment at the intensity they need to recover.
These came from here
Okay, I'll quit with the statistics. Seriously, "Pretty much everyone does it". No, just because you decided to slice open your ankles does not mean that. I know that if I was anorexic and you were too and you decided to tell me, I would freak out. I don't care if that would mean you call me a hypocrite.
This is gonna get me yelled at, but...is that why you liked being at his place? He kept you moving and didn't expect you to eat much? While at my place we expect you to eat and won't let you work it all off?
Perhaps, I'm just possessive of you? But after what we've been through? Whatever. I'm gonna date someday and one of the things that they'll have to do to be my whatever is be nice to my friend. Meaning no dating them after they tell my "Best" friend that killing themselves is doing the world a huge favor.
So, why refuse church camp? I'm more than slightly sure that everyone's given up on me. You, me, my parents, my family, everyone. I'm depressed, nothing sticks in my head anymore, life seems to be getting worse. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that everyone realizes what I am. Fake. Hypocritical. Broken. Lying. Worthless. No, this isn't a suicide note. Gosh.
My birthday. Yeah, I getting everything out there. Seriously, you didn't really seem to want to be there. Say so next time and I'll know not to invite you. I can deal with spending my birthday alone. Honestly. It was amazing, having to go with just my mom and brother and it being cut short because my brother was ready to got. It was amazing just like the sarcasm put into the sentence. It's nice to know that the one friend who went to my birthday party decided to see her boyfriend first. I was only turning fourteen, nothing important, nearly everyone in our grade has already done it. Nothing special just like me. Right, dear? Naturally.
Today....felt like a slap in the face. Have fun? I decided to stay longer. ..............oh. Force the smile as I reply to the text. What did I even say? Something along the lines of text me when you get done. Though I didn't really want to talk to anyone anymore. I just wanted to know how much longer you stayed. Then when I did the math, it bugged me all day. An hour and ten minutes longer than you spent with me. Over three hours of not talking to me, of not caring whether I was alive or dead. Over three hours where I practically did not exist. Sure, that may not be true but it's how I saw it.
Have fun? I decided to stay longer. ..................oh.
yawn. Have fun? Wait-why am I asking? Of course you did.
You did decide to be there two hours longer, making it obvious.
Have fun, Calamity?
No, I feel like I'm still letting everyone down.
Have fun, Calamity?
No, I know I'm gonna make her mad again.
Have fun, Calamity?
No, I feel like betrayal.
Have fun, Calamity?
No, I feel worthless.
Have fun, Calamity?
No. Just shut up.
Sorry, brief moment of craziness. By the way, this is just a huge rant.
It's just, half the things that we DON'T talk about that I can shrug off at the moment are the things that come back and choke me later. I feel mentally exhausted now.
Some favorite lyrics:
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
My Immortal By Evanescence
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
My Immortal by Evanescence
She's glad for one day of comfort
Only because she has suffered
Fully Alive by Flyleaf
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn too much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies
About the times
So I Thought by Flyleaf.
Fine, fine, I'll stop typing. I've basically just been typing everything and I shouldn't. Sorry for the feelings I've hurt. Night.
Your sweet Calamity.
So, whether I stand strong or fall because I can no longer struggle to my knees, my feet, I am the sweet calamity and poison that survives in your world. You say you worry when I take another slice, yet it's still obvious you don't care. "Pretty much everyone cuts." Stupidest. Part. Of. A. Sentence. You've. Sent. Me.
Over the past year, one in five females and one in seven males have engaged in some form of self-injury type behavior. (gotted from here)
Cutting statistics show that 1% of Americans participate in self-injury. (keep in mind this includes some eating disorders) Estimates show that 1 in every 200 girls between 13 and 19 cut themselves regularly.(gotted from here)
No, our school is just stupid/unlucky to have, at least four in the school. Cutting isn't some trend. "Pretty much everyone cuts." Was that suppose to make me feel comforted or make it so I want to? If you weren't my friend and I ACTUALLY thought you were that stupid, I would tell you to go choke on glass.
Don't ask, I randomly got super ticked off about that.
You're my best friend, and I trust you with my life, but there are somethings I just don't want to tell you. Thank goodness you don't ask. I need to feel loved, but lately the only love I seem to feel is none. Did you know? I don't cry anymore unless something is really killing me. Let's just say...it was cut out.
Since we're doing statistics anyway, here are some more...
An estimated 10 – 15% of people with anorexia or bulimia are males
20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems
95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25
50% of girls between the ages of 11 and 13 see themselves as overweight
These came from here
40% of 9-year-old girls have dieted
Only 1 in 10 people with an eating disorder will receive treatment and out of this number 80% do not receive treatment at the intensity they need to recover.
These came from here
Okay, I'll quit with the statistics. Seriously, "Pretty much everyone does it". No, just because you decided to slice open your ankles does not mean that. I know that if I was anorexic and you were too and you decided to tell me, I would freak out. I don't care if that would mean you call me a hypocrite.
This is gonna get me yelled at, but...is that why you liked being at his place? He kept you moving and didn't expect you to eat much? While at my place we expect you to eat and won't let you work it all off?
Perhaps, I'm just possessive of you? But after what we've been through? Whatever. I'm gonna date someday and one of the things that they'll have to do to be my whatever is be nice to my friend. Meaning no dating them after they tell my "Best" friend that killing themselves is doing the world a huge favor.
So, why refuse church camp? I'm more than slightly sure that everyone's given up on me. You, me, my parents, my family, everyone. I'm depressed, nothing sticks in my head anymore, life seems to be getting worse. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that everyone realizes what I am. Fake. Hypocritical. Broken. Lying. Worthless. No, this isn't a suicide note. Gosh.
My birthday. Yeah, I getting everything out there. Seriously, you didn't really seem to want to be there. Say so next time and I'll know not to invite you. I can deal with spending my birthday alone. Honestly. It was amazing, having to go with just my mom and brother and it being cut short because my brother was ready to got. It was amazing just like the sarcasm put into the sentence. It's nice to know that the one friend who went to my birthday party decided to see her boyfriend first. I was only turning fourteen, nothing important, nearly everyone in our grade has already done it. Nothing special just like me. Right, dear? Naturally.
Today....felt like a slap in the face. Have fun? I decided to stay longer. ..............oh. Force the smile as I reply to the text. What did I even say? Something along the lines of text me when you get done. Though I didn't really want to talk to anyone anymore. I just wanted to know how much longer you stayed. Then when I did the math, it bugged me all day. An hour and ten minutes longer than you spent with me. Over three hours of not talking to me, of not caring whether I was alive or dead. Over three hours where I practically did not exist. Sure, that may not be true but it's how I saw it.
Have fun? I decided to stay longer. ..................oh.
yawn. Have fun? Wait-why am I asking? Of course you did.
You did decide to be there two hours longer, making it obvious.
Have fun, Calamity?
No, I feel like I'm still letting everyone down.
Have fun, Calamity?
No, I know I'm gonna make her mad again.
Have fun, Calamity?
No, I feel like betrayal.
Have fun, Calamity?
No, I feel worthless.
Have fun, Calamity?
No. Just shut up.
Sorry, brief moment of craziness. By the way, this is just a huge rant.
It's just, half the things that we DON'T talk about that I can shrug off at the moment are the things that come back and choke me later. I feel mentally exhausted now.
Some favorite lyrics:
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
My Immortal By Evanescence
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
My Immortal by Evanescence
She's glad for one day of comfort
Only because she has suffered
Fully Alive by Flyleaf
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn too much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies
About the times
So I Thought by Flyleaf.
Fine, fine, I'll stop typing. I've basically just been typing everything and I shouldn't. Sorry for the feelings I've hurt. Night.
Your sweet Calamity.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Emotastical Sigh
It seems like my mom is yelling at me for everything today. First, she tells me she isn't going to watch the crappy s-word that I'm watching, so I need to change the channel. Then, I simply say that my brother has a baseball glove in his drawer(that's seriously how it's spelled) and my mom snaps at me to stay out to stay out of his drawers. Seriously, she could have just told me to change the channel.
Whatever. I'm gonna go sulk! Yes, SULK!
Whatever. I'm gonna go sulk! Yes, SULK!
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