MAY!!

It's almost the end of MAY and school. School ends the twenty-fifth, I thinks. Dance tomorrow, but I'm scared to death. I hate talking about how I....feel... It's effing crazy. How do I feel? Tired, numb, bored, creative. So many ideas run through my head a day. No wonder I end up tired. =3 Anyway, it's nearly midnight and I've gotta write SOMETHING before bed. Can't believe all the arguments I'm getting into with my friend. It's like.... She's always ticked at me for something, it seems. And so we argue and it feels ironic because I've gotten so used to it that when we do I go into this shell where what she says just rolls right off, numb. It's pure insanity. There is nothing more to be said about anything like this. It's just insanity. First she dates this guy who is a total hobag to me, then expects me to be HAPPY for her, and we start getting into arguments. How can I be HAPPY for her when she's dating someone who treats me, someone who is suppose to be her best friend, like crap? Bros before hos, dearest. I do feel kinda bad because I haven't kept up with HER blog, but only because I don't remember the link to it... The scariest thing about this existence is that it seems as though she knows absolutely nothing about me. Sure I need some of her attention because I like talking to her, hanging out with her, but I don't need all of it, something I've proven over and over again and yet she says I do.Yes, I'm going to be mad about her dating this dude for quite some time, even if I think I've gotten over it. Why? Because anytime he can he's a total hobag to me. Do I still love her as my best friend? Even though she's treating me just as bad as he is, yeah, because she is my best friend. Unlike how she feels with me, I'm comfortable with her. Though, I must admit that my trust in her has gone down a lot because I feel as though anything I say will be morphed and used against me in a court of Shadow and Echo.* I don't know, I feel as though my trust is easily gained, but always easily lost, also. Over thinking is honestly what I'm best at, and that sometimes get me into trouble. I hate that they all say I act like I'm better than everyone else. I don't. I act like me, always have. Honestly, I thought after... wow, five years, you would be fine with me being me. Can't believe it, five effing years. If you hate it so much, quit hanging around me. Problem solved. Just tell me that's what you're doing so I don't be "arrogant" by texting you when I didn't know that's what you were doing. I know this sounds like think my friends are disposable, but I really don't. All of my friends, I have a deep bond with them and that's what makes them my friends. Shadow, yeah, there's no "deep bond" there. He's a hobag and I can't stand him. He can't decide on nearly anything. To me, his exists would be meaningless if he wasn't my best friend's boyfriend. Actually, he used to be one of my friends, but told me various ways I could die/ kill myself and he wouldn't care. It made me want to take something to my throat, cut it just enough to bleed, and then go to school like that because one of the ways was that I could slit my throat. Haha, aren't you such a great person. Wait, let me prove my sarcastic side! This dude is effing amazing, like, seriously. He sssoo didn't seem judgmental of ALL Christians when he decided to be Satanic, didn't make any generalizations about my religion. I'm sure he's, like, an effing saint compared to me. He's so humble, and uber sweet. He doesn't hurt anything or one. He's the most perfectest person evers and I totally approve that he's with my best friend who is being sooo much more nicer to me now that's she's dating him. End of total sarcasm. In actuality, from my reality, Shadow made many generalizations about... everyone. He was surprised to receive kindness from one of the "preps" simply because they're a "prep." Choke me. I'm gonna laugh out loud if Echo reads this, all the way through. Won't gain me any brownie points, that's fer sure. OOHH, I wanna listen to that now, even though I should totally be in bed. Yeah, I've got that... strange mind set where anything I think of can, and will, come out through my fingers (or pencil onto paper IF I can). I'm so bubbly on the internet, by the way. I usually, in real life, have sense of, "Am I doing this in a me type of form?" but on the internet I'm like, "Who here knows me? No. Effing. One."
As you may be noticing, I say effing. Why not just type the word? I do not cuss. Darn right. Okay, back to my sexy train of thought, I was actually pretty ticked at Echo today after lunch. I mean, she basically called ALL cutters out there stupid. Idiot. The act of cutting may be stupid, but the people who do it aren't. What she actually said was, "I'm not stupid enough to do that." We were on the topic of her cutting, though. Some people with ACTUAL depression that isn't treated cut. People with VERY high IQs will get depression. Ohhh yeah, they're soooo stupid. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. I'm in one of those moods where my sarcasm is coming out quicker that it can be processed. RAWR!! I have this stupid reaction paper to write still! Can't believe I'm gonna put it off until tomorrow. I'm actually really happy that Echo went to the computer lab to work on hers because then I could speak freely about how stupid she sounded saying that she wasn't stupid enough to cut without being judged. What if I cut, Echo? Am I stupid then? Considering how highly you think of me after you started dating Shadow, you probably think I am without it. Hahaha, snort, haha. OOHHH, today I actually sounded rude. It was soooo strange. I was actually really tired and being the super smart boy that he is, Shadow brought me up, saying at least they would have one person with weird hair at the dance. Like I do this for everyone else. Uhhh, no. I do this because I effing wanna, moron. Anyway, I was too tired to sound sarcastic, but I sooo couldn't keep my sarcastic remark to myself. I barely lifted me head and looked at him and said, "No, I'm gonna wear a black wig...just to crush your dreams." Naturally, he went on the defense. Moron... Despite what he obviously thinks, I don't really mean him harm. Whatever, you know? He can think that and I can think ALL this. I can think Echo went out with him just so she would get attention. And attention she got. It was like, wow... How can this be monumental? I know, I know, I should be supportive, happy. No, sorry. Obviously I'm arrogant, stupid, rude, and some other things, but all of those point to me not being happy or supportive. Why do I think Echo did it for attention? She could've had him any other time before he went on this huge rampage at me, she could've done it next year, but she waited until he told me all this crap. I hate it. It feels as though she cares more about him and having him than about me or understanding why I'm mad. She hasn't even asked why I was mad. I had to tell her that it felt like a slap in the face. Obviously I don't matter too much, but just enough to lie to. She told me she valued our friendship more than dating him, so she was gonna talk to him about just being friends and if he wouldn't have it, she would just break up with him. Doubt she did. Whatever, Echo. Humorous, though, how after dating for less than a month she thinks I'm such a horrible person. I'm CHILDISH is the word you two are looking for. Not stupid, arrogant, ignorant, blah, blah. CHILDISH. Geesh.
I'm soo tired.
Staying alive for just one more day,
Vlad Nightshade.
*please note that Shadow is used simply because I don't feel like saying the dude's real name. This is better than what I call him in my journal, though. Echo is what she calls herself somewhere on here or used to at least.
P.S. Didn't mean to rant, just have built up emotions and not a single person really cares to actually hear them. Not one around me anyway. Whatever.