Just something I told someone on facebook that I believe is VERY true about me.

You don't want to know about me. I'm a self-loathing brat who clings too tightly to people, who like dying when they think less of me even though I think I'm trash, and who's one of the most selfish, stupid, demanding people you'll ever meet. No one WANTS to know about me because knowing about me means tearing about the nice act I have at school.

Now I can't stop thinking horrible thoughts about myself. Best part? No one who can tell me otherwise. All of this is true, whether anyone likes it or not. I don't even have a "best friend" anymore since the one I had most recently demoted me to just a friend. So, I'm spending this weekend with my family. I feel like crap, like pushing a razor through my flesh, watching a little bit of me disappear, but I've already told someone I wouldn't.
Don't wanna go to school Monday, just wanna sit around doing nothing. Don't wanna do anything ever. I want someone to text me, telling me I'm a sweet person, worth more than dirt. That's what a best friend would do, but I don't have one, so I have to try to cheer myself up. Just wanna die, though. I'm wasting resources that could go to someone who is doing/would do good for life. Me? I'm just another waste of space and I would say like a rock, but those can have a purpose.
It's funny, but once you realize you're on that downward spiral, there's no one there to tell you you ARE worth while. No one makes you feel like you belong somewhere.
"No, Julia got sick of dealing with me considering she knew about nearly everything. It's funny because if I was her, I wouldn't talk to me either."
Then, even though he goes on about how rude it is to do this, gets off without saying goodbye. It doesn't really bother me, though.
Byes...

Honesty.

It gets sweet people like me into deep trouble. Don't tell your friends the truth about their personalities, they don't want to know. Especially when they act like the person they hate the most.

Lying over Text Message

It's such an easy thing to do. Use the right words and no one knows that you're wishing you were dead. Use the right words and in the end the other person doesn't get mad or feel guilty. Use the right words and they don't know that you'll probably have scars running around your back.
I lied to Echo over texted, acted like I cared/understood. Pretended to be that friend that will listen and be happy WITH her. All the while, I felt like crap, cutting myself open and drinking soda so I could keep that happy texting up because quite honestly, no matter how happy I could text, I felt like crap. She called it being stressful, but honestly, I just wanted to be able to talk about my problems, but she said she couldn't deal with me being stressful, so I perked up. No wonder I wanna be an actress.

I lose.

Swore to myself that I could go this school year without cutting, that I'll be strong enough to resist that freaking urge. I can't do it. None my friends who know care enough to tell me to stop, giving me the strength to resist. What's it matter, though? I'm doing it where it won't be seen, so I go on being A-OK! Yeah, yeah, Echo and I have officially demolished our friendship. BUT IT'S SO SHE CAN BE HAPPY! I'm sick of dragging others down with me. But unlike I told her, everything matters. Pretending it doesn't matter doesn't change the fact that it does even if you don't matter. Whatever, so long as I can make someone happy.
I feel so depressed. Not that anyone really cares. I've noticed something, even if you say something depressing, putting a smiley face (like dis ^^ or :)) people think your fine. Like: I hate life ^^. That just seems like something happened and you'll get over it eventually.
Here's to CALAMITY! Hehehehehahahaha. Man, I wish people would call me Calamity. It's such a cool word.

Take a deep breath, let it out...

School starts soon. I've worked my ungodly magic again and made her mad and feel like she's trying to pressure me into dating. Screw off, I'm fourteen. I'll date when I wanna. I'm on pills for what the doc calls Chronic Daily Headaches. That's EXACTLY what they are. Read the new Artie Fowl. AMAZING!! Artemis grows up so muches!
Maybe I'll do one more cut, as a farewell to a summer that seems so fake looking back.

My Right to be Angry- Taken

I was mad only because she said something. But when I try to say something, she can't deal with it, me, at the moment. "I'm not going to talk to him because I'm here to talk to you, not him" How did that work out for you? Picked up the phone every.single.time. Didn't mean to? Is that what you said when I said something? Bull. If you can't control yourself a few hours...well, I'm gonna start thinking bad things about you. BTW, I'm not mad right now, just kinda glum.

Would she rather me die of a heat stroke

Mom yelled at me for running because the dog woke her up. She yelled at me for running IN MY YARD, NEAR THE HOUSE because it's one thirty in the morning. I could've been on the road. It could have been nearly 100 degrees outside. But I was in OUR YARD with it only being, like seventy. There was no danger except mosquitoes. I don't see WHY I was yelled at.

Don't say a word.

That's how I feel. Sure, I trust her, and know that she doesn't mean to. I feel as though I can't really say anything about me feeling completely lonely and left out. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it. She's my best friend, but I don't want to make her mad over it anymore.

Because my mind is always thinking of writing...

I've started another story. In this the reader quickly realizes that the story isn't about the narrator, at least not yet. No, it seems that for the beginning the story is about the narrator's best friend. Alexander Kyle Rice, the narrator, is somehow friends with James Payne, a boy who seems to have everything bad happen to him. The story begins with Alex walking into school and James telling him that's dating Emma Stephens(I really love how her name just seems to flow). Emma and James are described as being completely different.
"Emma and James were like day and night. James had nearly blacker than black hair while Emma had dirty blond hair. James could be the most mature in a room if he wanted, even if there was a teacher in the room. Emma was, well, she was a twelve year old girl. James went home everyday to things he refused to speak of. Emma went home to love, warmth, and a few petty fights with her little brother."
Around the time of Christmas (in the first writing it was before December 21st, 2008 because it was done in a diary format), Emma dumps James. This unravels James's world even more. Hopefully, I'll concentrate on this, finish it, and be able to go back to the other story I was writing. Seriously, I had the other story all plotted out and everything just to get a new idea!

For You See, I Too Have A Love

I pick up the
razor,
wanting to carve in your name.

It's sharp,
painful almost,
and wouldn't dare make you a
permanent part of me.

The blood
and date
stain my skin

and a thought
shimmers through me.
"If she thinks she's in love with him,
Paying attention to me takes the backseat."

Even if you try to say
otherwise.