Learning To Fly Without Wings

That's all I'm trying to do. So here's to those who helped in this, you're just another out-of-school lesson. All I can say is, thanks because now I know a little more about serviving here. So, go ahead, pat yourself on your back for your misdeeds!

Monday, December 13, 2010

I'm tired

of so many things.
I'm tired of smiling when all I wanna do is curl up in bed and go back to sleep.
I'm tired of people telling me I'm always wrong.
I'm tired of looking in the mirror and despising everything I see.
I'm tired of being the "normal one" when I'm fighting back horrible inner demons everyday.
I'm tired of people yelling at me when I haven't even done something wrong.
I'm tired of people not understanding.
I'm tired of not being able to explain without fear of hurting myself.
I'm tired of people hurting me.
I'm tired of being the one people go to complain to but I can't complain because everyone else will find out.
I'm tired of being yelled at because I got mad because you told everyone.
I'm just sick and tired of my life.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I hate admitting it...

But I'm all cut up.
I did this toward the beginning of the week.
My stomach, chest area, either leg, and right arm all say something.
Yeah, I'm pretty much cut up.
Why?
A friend of mine wanted to be friends with the kid who mentally abused me for nearly six months, told me the world was better without me, and told me to kill myself twice.
Most people have forgiven him, but we were supposedly friends.
Last time I checked, you don't tell your friends something like that.
So, even though I'm trying to be happy and fine, I'm all cut up.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Obviously,

if everything's fine for someone else, that whore has to cause trouble. But this time, I'm not taking it, dear. Your number's gone, your text messages are gone. We've been close, it's been Hell, and I'm done. When you've decided you're ready to grow up, I'll be ready to forgive you.
I've got a great relationship and if you dare try to be a whore and mess it, I won't try to ruin yours, I'll be nice enough to not do anything other than ask him to please not hang out with you because you're being a whore over me being happy.
Oh and you're the one who flipped out anytime anyone cussed. I just don't. But now I've basically got you pinned down. You're a lying, cussing, drama-causing little ho. So, hehe, thanks for tap-dancing out of my life because either I wanted one or something was going wrong not EVEN partaining to me.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Love Hand holding

And finally have someone who's willing to do it.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Blackmail.

What? My grandma getting her a ring? We were at a jewerlry party and Julia was there and wanted it so since my grandma is nice she got it for Julia.8:16amcool.8:16amYep..8:18amlol.8:18amWhat?.8:19amyou and joeh.8:20amYeah...I'm just cool like that..8:23amMe to :D.8:25amYeah but I'm cooler. Because this crap used to hurt me..8:25amWhat, the cuttering joeh says you doing.8:26amCuttering?.8:26amOH, SHE not cutter.9:01pmIs that what she tells you. Really because lat I knew. Her words. " I can do amazing things with a razor blade." Yes she is definatly not a cutter.
Now buzz off.
I haven't the patience nor the mood..8:28amI love how that's the quote he uses. .8:28amOf course.8:30amWhy not the one were I actually told him? I'm a honest little girl so I cannot really deny this..8:31amlolol.8:31amWhat?.8:32amyou make meh chuckle.8:33amWhy? Or... I think how is the better question..8:34amvery carefully.8:35amWhat?!.8:35amthe zombies in mah basement like thiWhy not the one were I actually told him? I'm a honest little girl so I cannot really deny this.s .8:37amWhat about it?.8:37ammy twisted-ness gets a lol from it.8:38amStupid rich kids....8:39ammwahahahah.8:40amYou know what? I bet your, like, allowance could buy people. XD.8:40ami dont like buying, i rent and use then stop paying.8:41amProstitutes???
Lol.8:41amonly on weekends.8:43amI'm disturbed. But I guess that answer my questions about whether or not you leave the house on the weekends..8:43amhehehe, I dont leave.....8:44amThey come to you..8:44amyep
like whores to money+dude parts.8:45amI'm REALLY disturbed now..8:45amlol.8:47amNo, like, I could've gone my whole life without putting you and prostitution in the same thought..8:47amLots you dont know....8:47amI'm starting to not want to..8:48amheh.8:49amGosh!.8:49amgosh??
sexualfantiseiswhatthebuck.8:52amI'm a practicing Christian..8:52amgood.8:52amAnd we got Joey in trouble..8:52amhow.8:53amI tol Julia.
told, not tol..8:53amwhat u tell.8:54amThat he was being a butt..8:54amoh, about what??.8:56am...My mom's scaring me..8:56amhow, why.8:56amShe was hovering over my shoulder..8:56amok
Oh I'm shaking in my boots. Hahaha. Julia also said Lexi wanted to show her all the mean comments I said to her. Julia didn't care.
JOEH.9:00amNo, I told Julia "Joey told herbie i cut when he asked me it he said cuttering" and now I tink we got him in troublessss...Because she didn't realize what a...jerk...he is. I didn't know he wore boots. Are they, like, thigh high?!.9:01amno, crotch high.9:02amAnd you would know?.9:02amyoutube vidoes of drunk goths are funny.9:03amThat does not answer my question..9:04amyes it does, think about who the drunk goth might be.9:05amJoey's not a true goth. True goths are elegant and he's an arrogant poop head. Yea, I went there..9:07amlol
LEXI.9:08amWHAT.9:08amis my lego/read/bedtime.9:08amWhat?.9:08amGood night..9:09amNight.
Night.

I wish...

Gosh, there are so many things I wish right now. One, I wish I could love her, but the pain that she's caused is just...too great and I can barely love myself. It's so easy when things are going good. When she's explaining everything and letting me know when something is bothering her... because then I feel more open, more ready to tell her things I shouldn't.
I wish I could quit cutting. It's hurting me and my family... but there's no real reason to stop. No one wants me to anymore.
Three, I wish...gosh, this gonna sound bad, that she would break up with him. She was easier to talk to before they started dating.
Four, I really wish I could be forgiven by her. I don't know when to shut my mouth and all of this hurts...a lot.
So, sorry. I just...want to feel like you like me and you dating him even after all he's done to me, is like saying you don't care at all. I'm sorry I apparently treat you bad.

Monday, October 4, 2010

I've been thinking...

A new school may be just what I need. If they don't like me, then I won't have friend drama. If they do, well, I'll never let them close enough to hurt me. No, I've learned my lessons.

Another party with the same kids,
another night with the same drinks
I need to find myself a new chick

Maybe that's what I need, a change in scenery. Maybe I could actually try to trust someone again? Hah, doubt it. Six or seven years later and I find out I can't even trust the one I thought was my best friend. How could I trust a stranger I only have four years to get to know? And how could they trust me?
I guess I don't have to worry about it. I guess I have an appointment with someone who is gonna pretend to care about my problems so they'll get some money. Maybe I'll even tell them? Anyway, I have it on the twelfth unless Mom gets to it change it changed to a date that isn't right before my varitity show audition.
Pretty sure she sides with him...again. Can't even tell me one thing she doesn't agree with.
Woo, she's freaking sick of my bull crap and doesn't have the balls to tell me herself. And frickin crap, I haven't gotten the shell to protect me yet so it hurts. Carves me frickin up. I thought we were getting along.
Need more reason for me to like your boyfriend Echo? Or even you?
Joseph Rudis Lexi you are obsessive, psycho, and dangerous. And I will be sure to say that to your face as soon as you return to school. =) Though obviously you are too scared to face anyone at school considering you want to skip the entire school week.
8 minutes ago · LikeUnlike.Lexi Dixon Who said I want to skip the whole week?
6 minutes ago · LikeUnlike.Joseph Rudis Who do you think?
5 minutes ago · LikeUnlike.Lexi Dixon No clue.
But then again, I'm also still pretending I can mildly trust that backstabber. =/
Joseph Rudis My Informer was of course Julia. =)
9 minutes ago · LikeUnlike

There you go, more reason to trust you Julia!

Haha, it's so funny how you change

May 7.2010
10:23 PM
Julia:
Okay. No one said you had to hang out with him

And now she's trying her hardest to make me hang out with him! Well, dear, give me a year or two of him not treating me like dirt and MAYBE I'll be able to do it.
Unless, of course, this is all PERFECTLY nice and polite and should possibly hurt me

10:53 PM
Joey:
You know what Lexi drop dead. Go kill yourself I don't care. You would be doing the world a huge favor. This whole time I have felt horrible about myself. And you don't give a shit. I could die tonight and you wouldn't care.

10:28 PM
Joey:
You know what Lexi. Just go leave me alone. Jump down a well, drown in your own vomit, slit your own throat I really don't care anymore.
I was trying to be nice about this but know I really have lost patience.

10:34 PM
Joey:
You are a little witch who hates to admit that she has acted wrong and this whole time you have been hiding behind Julia instead of coming strait to me with anger.
You are a coward and a ignorant fool.

10:58 PM
Joey:
Yes because you have given me no reason to care. You have always been rude and unkind to me. And I am sick of it and so is Julia. She also said you are jealous because she talks to me more than you.

11:05 PM
Joey:
See. You are self-centered. Declaring yourself above others. Their is no different. You are arrogant. This is full proof of that. You are a self- abosorbed bitch. You said in 6th grade that you hated people who acted like they are better than people. What are you doing now you pathedic hypocrite.

Joseph Rudis October 1 at 9:24am Report
I am really quite sick of your disturbing obsession with Julia. I know everything you say to her. I know that you are angry at her because she will not get rid of me. So you are trying to turn her against me. Is this some sort of game to you? What is your problem. Julia tells me that if she hugs anyone else before she hugs you especially when it comes to me you get really pissed at her.Why? What the hell is wrong with her hugging other people before she hugs you? I am in a relationship with her and that doesn't even bother me the least bit. And I saw the way you looked at me when I went and stood next to Julia and you said " I have to go to tutoring" and rudely walked away. And Julia now tells me that it "physically hurts" you that I am with her. Why? If you are cutting yourself then the only one to blame is you. I did nothing to you I merely stripped away your collapsing illusion. You were afraid. You were afraid that I or anyone else would see through your false appearense and see what you truely are. A sad, psychoctic, obsessive, dangerous girl. And you are afraid someone like me will "steal" Julia away. So the way I see it is you are either a lesbian or you have completely lost your mind. You are an anchor and will drag Julia down. You spread your negativity to others. And why? Because you want someone to either suffer the same fate as you or someone to try and guilt trip. You deserve no sympathy. You are a dangerous human being and your worst enemy is yourself. You need some serious mental help my dear =) .

Joseph Rudis October 2 at 5:53am Report
No acutally I don't really expect you to come around. Actually I told Julia that if you were bothering her enough that shes hould just leave you behind completely. I wouldn't have actually told her that if it weren't for the fact that she told me that you want her to get rid of me. That and your lesbian-like obsession over her is really scaring her. And "annoying". I fail to see how. The only time I ever even say anything to you is if you are starting your stupid drama. And that is when I confront you. And rightfully so. So I guess anyone that you piss off through out your life must be annoying because they may confront you. I only accuse when I know the facts or if I was mislead. And Julia has told me all I needed to know about all the ignorant drama you start every day of every week. And quite frankly I don't care how my actions may bother you or anyone else. I do not live to please you nor any other person I do not care for. And Ignorant? I call it out. Apparently I smart enough to dig out the truth from your pathedic false image. You are just as ignorant as I. And You are quite insane. If you are in love with Julia just admit it already. And what bugs me about you...you act as if everything is fine and then randomly some week you start this whole drama thing all over again. .


Joseph Rudis October 2 at 6:46am Report
And she never will. As long as you keep up your phsyco behavior she will always cast you out. She may even try and sort things out with you now. But you always take the wrong approach and yell at her. And don't say you don't because she just told me you called her freaking out. If you are going to be a bitch to her just leave her the hell alone. And what would you need to run away from? We are talking about going over and talking to people not petting a lion. .

(only, it IS like trying to pet a lion, after all this.)

There you go, now go on pretending I should be happy. Keep pretending he's a good person. I deserve all of this...it seems.

Ok, so maybe I take my anger out on her.

5/7/2010
9:34 PM
Lexi:
I've decided I'm not hanging out with you guys when Joey's around. Mainly because he obviously doesn't like the fact that I have a backbone and I'm sick of his abuse when he has no right to TOUCH me.
……………………………………………………………………
9:35 PM
Julia:
Okay?
……………………………………………………………………
9:37 PM
Lexi:
I'm not quite sure what you said after I left, but the whole "Cant we just drop it" thing shows that you're passive when he seems mad. Sorry if I seem ticked off about being called rude, a jerk, a "mindless worm", and arrogant.
……………………………………………………………………
9:38 PM
Julia:
I stood up for you and you won't even talk to me. How does that seem fair?
……………………………………………………………………
9:39 PM
Lexi:
You BAREly stood up for me.
……………………………………………………………………
9:39 PM
Julia:
I still tried! I could have just blown it off altogether!!!
……………………………………………………………………
9:39 PM
Lexi:
Why not!? He's obviously more important.
……………………………………………………………………
9:40 PM
Julia:
That isn't true. Why would you even think that?
……………………………………………………………………
9:41 PM
Lexi:
The way you talk about him. Geesh, just ask him out already, you talk about him enough
……………………………………………………………………
9:41 PM
Julia:
If I honestly felt that way about him I might.
……………………………………………………………………
9:42 PM
Lexi:
Then quit acting like he's oh so amazing.
……………………………………………………………………
9:42 PM
Julia:
I don't try to. Sorry for thinking he has a heart and actually cares.
……………………………………………………………………
9:44 PM
Lexi:
Sorry for thinking you should at least be a little upset that he disses someone who's supposily to be your best friend. Oh wait, I guess that would be him meaning there is no problem.
……………………………………………………………………
9:44 PM
Julia:
What are you talking about?! I am mad about it. Sorry for not going on a complete rampage like you
……………………………………………………………………
9:46 PM
Lexi:
Obviously you aren't mad. Whatever, just go back to tellin him youre deep secrets cause you feel "comfortable" with him.
……………………………………………………………………
9:46 PM
Julia:
I do. You tend to get mad or judge me.
……………………………………………………………………
9:48 PM
Lexi:
Then go back to talking to him. When you get down to it, he IS your best friend. Go to him and rant about just how jugdemental and all I am. I'm sure HE agrees with you.
……………………………………………………………………
9:49 PM
Julia:
Whatever, Lexi. If that's what you want to believe. I thought our friendship was stronger than one guy but obviously it isn't.
Joey: Then please tell her this. If she has any problems, questions, comments, or concerns to adress them to me personally.
……………………………………………………………………
9:52 PM
Lexi:
You basically blew off him calling me various things, you trust him more than me AND make it obvious, and apparently both of you think I'm so freakin jugdmental. HE can go SCREW himself. I don't have to do anything that kid says.
……………………………………………………………………
9:53 PM
Julia:
"basically blew it off"!!!! I stood up for you which is better thaan you've EVER done for me.
……………………………………………………………………
9:54 PM
Lexi:
Yeah, sure, whatever you say. Miss Julia and Master Joey are always right. Do not question.
……………………………………………………………………
9:55 PM
Julia:
No one ever said that. You came up with that one on your own.
……………………………………………………………………
9:55 PM
Lexi:
No one has to say it. Your ACTIONS say it. I'm always wrong, you two are ALWAYS right.
……………………………………………………………………
9:56 PM
Julia:
No. Over half the time you are right however, you saying that i didn't stick up for you ticks me off
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9:57 PM
Lexi:
Oh? Would you like to send me where you did stick up for me? Cause what I saw, you were trying, but you were also trying to keep from making anyone mad.
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9:58 PM
Julia:
Yea well I don't honestly like confrontations I get enough of that at home.
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9:59 PM
Lexi:
And you proved my point. You didn't stick up for me. Joey's friendship is more important.
No, wait, not his friendship. Him thinking you're on his side is
……………………………………………………………………
9:59 PM
Julia:
This is stupid. You're acting like you're 2.
……………………………………………………………………
10:01 PM
Lexi:
And I bet you're telling him all this. Yeah, I'm acting like I'm two. What next? I'm a mindless slug who just wants attention?
……………………………………………………………………
10:01 PM
Julia:
No. And I'm not telling him anything about our "conversation" if you can even call it that.
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
Lexi:
Aw, but it would so be you. You can trust him with EVERYTHING. Be sure to tell him that I just wanna walk up to him, slap him, and say "Rude enough for you, MUTT?"
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
Julia:
Whatever.
……………………………………………………………………
10:05 PM
Lexi:
Oh wait, I'm dissing your super cool BFFF who thinks he's better than everyone. 'Specially a mindless worm like me who's smarter than he is.
……………………………………………………………………
10:05 PM
Julia:
I don't need this.
……………………………………………………………………
10:06 PM
Lexi:
Then maybe you should've actually tried standing up for you "friend"
……………………………………………………………………
10:07 PM
Julia:
I did try. Obviously not well enouh for you to accept it.
……………………………………………………………………
10:07 PM
Lexi:
You PASSIVELY tried. Which doesn't work.
……………………………………………………………………
10:07 PM
Julia:
I can't...
……………………………………………………………………
10:08 PM
Lexi:
Well then sorry I thought you cared enough to try.
……………………………………………………………………
10:09 PM
Julia:
I did try. You didn't care because it wasn't what you considered edequate so i don't even want to hear it
……………………………………………………………………
10:10 PM
Lexi:
Shut up and go back to you boyfriend to whine. I didn't care after the whole "Can we drop it?" You try to drop it when you care more about the person doing it.
……………………………………………………………………
10:11 PM
Julia:
No. I drop it when there's no winning. Like with you.
……………………………………………………………………
10:12 PM
Lexi:
Like I said, go back to your boyfriend and whine
……………………………………………………………………
10:13 PM
Julia:
whatever.
……………………………………………………………………
10:15 PM
Lexi:
I mean, when he's important enough to just blow it all off...
……………………………………………………………………
10:16 PM
Julia:
I wasn't blowing it off....
……………………………………………………………………
10:16 PM
Lexi:
You were.
……………………………………………………………………
10:16 PM
Julia:
Wasn't.
……………………………………………………………………
10:18 PM
Lexi:
Oh really? "She was trying to act ganster" How is that not trying to blow it off? It's like you trying to justify it or treat me like a totally retard.
……………………………………………………………………
10:18 PM
Julia:
No, I was trying to stop a fight...
……………………………………………………………………
10:19 PM
Lexi:
As so means "I'm trying to not argue with Joey."
……………………………………………………………………
10:20 PM
Julia:
No, I didn't want you guys fighting because you're my best friend and he's my friend as well.
……………………………………………………………………
10:21 PM
Lexi:
No, you didn't want to argue with him. It has nothin to do with me except you didn't want to deal with standing up for me.
……………………………………………………………………
10:21 PM
Julia:
Not true. You never believe me anyway
……………………………………………………………………
10:22 PM
Lexi:
You seem closer to him which doesn't bother me. I'm just not hanging out with him. Unlike you, I don't like it when I'm dissed.
……………………………………………………………………
10:23 PM
Julia:
Okay. No one said you had to hang out with him
……………………………………………………………………
10:23 PM
Lexi:
WOOHOO! I get to go make new friends! We all know you've got "homework"
……………………………………………………………………
10:24 PM
Julia:
??
……………………………………………………………………
10:25 PM
Lexi:
You, Liz, and Taylor LOVE hanging out with him. So I'm not bored, I get to go make friends. You never go anywhere I do because you've got "homework"
……………………………………………………………………
10:25 PM
Julia:
I really do have homework. And you have other friends.
……………………………………………………………………
10:26 PM
Lexi:
Is that what you call when you just bring your book out and never open it?
……………………………………………………………………
10:27 PM
Julia:
I do open it. and for the most part I usually have Social Studies.
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10:28 PM
Lexi:
I've had days where I left because you guys were being total retards, but instead of finding out if something's wrong, Joey's attention was more important.
……………………………………………………………………
10:28 PM
Julia:
No, you seemed angry and you get really crabby when you're like that.
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10:30 PM
Lexi:
Yeah you're a true friend. You know why I haven't stood up for you? There's been no reason to. At least, none that I've been around.
……………………………………………………………………
10:30 PM
Julia:
Because any time there's anything that you don't like, you leave.
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10:31 PM
Lexi:
No, Julia Rose, if I know someone's talking crap about my friends I do try to do something. Unlike some people.
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10:32 PM
Julia:
I really don't need verbal abuse from someone I thought was my best friend. If you have anything nice to say go ahead, but I will be gone tomorrow morning and you won't have to worry about it any ore
……………………………………………………………………
10:34 PM
Lexi:
Now you know how I feel. Any real friend will get into a fist fight for you if a person says crap about you.
……………………………………………………………………
10:34 PM
Julia:
Bell wouldn't but you stood up for her.
……………………………………………………………………
10:34 PM
Lexi:
Bell would've.
……………………………………………………………………
10:35 PM
Julia:
No. Bell would not have fought anyone.
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10:36 PM
Lexi:
Okay then, I stood up for her because she was my best friend. I thought I was your's, so I thought you COULD MANAGE to.
……………………………………………………………………
10:37 PM
Julia:
I thought I was your's and I get verbally abused by you
……………………………………………………………………
10:37 PM
Lexi:
After you didn't even attempt standing up for me.
……………………………………………………………………
10:38 PM
Julia:
No. Since last year you've said crap about me
……………………………………………………………………
10:39 PM
Lexi:
No I haven't. I thought you were my best friend.
……………………………………………………………………
10:39 PM
Julia:
I thought you were mine.
Whatever, I'll sleep on the couch and you won't even have to talk to me.
……………………………………………………………………
10:41 PM
Lexi:
I love how you try to make that go in a circle. "I thought you were my best friend, but now you're verbally abusing me!!" Yeeaahhhh... and you totally try to stand up for me to your boyfriend.
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10:42 PM
Julia:
He isn't my boyfriend. and I tried.
……………………………………………………………………
10:42 PM
Lexi:
No, you didn
't. Then stop acting like he is
……………………………………………………………………
10:43 PM
Julia:
Yes I did! I don't act like he's a anything!
……………………………………………………………………
10:44 PM
Lexi:
You act like he's everything. Yeah, cause me "acting gangster" seems like standing up for me.
……………………………………………………………………
10:44 PM
Julia:
He has flaws, so do you, so do I.
……………………………………………………………………
10:45 PM
Lexi:
WOO LET'S GO OFF TOPIC!
……………………………………………………………………
10:45 PM
Julia:
Not off topic
……………………………………………………………………
10:46 PM
Lexi:
How isn't it?
……………………………………………………………………
10:47 PM
Julia:
You said I act like he's everything
……………………………………………………………………
10:47 PM
Lexi:
Because you do.
……………………………………………………………………
10:47 PM
Julia:
I don't try
……………………………………………………………………
10:47 PM
Lexi:
You do.
……………………………………………………………………
10:48 PM
Julia:
I don't try to. So how is it my fault
……………………………………………………………………
10:49 PM
Lexi:
I'm just pointing it out. Now you'll know not to say a word about your boyfriend.
……………………………………………………………………
10:49 PM
Julia:
Okay
……………………………………………………………………
10:50 PM
Lexi:
Considering he's a total jerk, but so long as he treats YOU good, he's fine.
……………………………………………………………………
10:50 PM
Julia:
He isn't usually mean
……………………………………………………………………
10:51 PM
Lexi:
Unless you're me, but you aren't so it shouldn't matter to you.
……………………………………………………………………
10:52 PM
Julia:
Whatever
……………………………………………………………………
10:53 PM
Lexi:
Well, I mean he means more so him being mean to me is over lookable.
……………………………………………………………………
10:54 PM
Julia:
it is not
……………………………………………………………………
10:54 PM
Lexi:
You've done it before.
……………………………………………………………………
10:55 PM
Julia:
People make mistakes
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10:56 PM
Lexi:
Julia obviously justifies what Joey does very easily. Like when he BRUISED my leg off BLACK pants that can be WASHED. Yeah, you said for a while that he should say sorry and then said I should say sorry, even though I was the one with the HUGE bruise.
……………………………………………………………………
10:57 PM
Julia:
You wiped mud on him so technically you both should have apologized
……………………………………………………………………
10:58 PM
Lexi:
Yeah, but the way you started to say it made it seem all my fault. Always.
……………………………………………………………………
10:58 PM
Julia:
That's not the way it's intended.
……………………………………………………………………
10:59 PM
Lexi:
Well, when you spend part of the day trying to convince him to say sorry, and then the whole week that my wonderful bruise is healing trying to get me to say sorry...
……………………………………………………………………
11:00 PM
Julia:
I spent 3 hours saying u should.
……………………………………………………………………
11:00 PM
Lexi:
You spent less saying he should. Actually, I think you said he should once then went on me.
……………………………………………………………………
11:01 PM
Julia:
No as I recall I spent recess and that night telling him he should and three hours saying u should.
……………………………………………………………………
11:03 PM
Lexi:
If you're sick of me, why not tell me yourself?
……………………………………………………………………
11:03 PM
Julia:
I'm not sick of you, I'm sick of you yelling at me.
……………………………………………………………………
11:04 PM
Lexi:
Oh, maybe you should tell your boyfriend that
……………………………………………………………………
11:04 PM
Julia:
Why?
……………………………………………………………………
11:06 PM
Lexi:
Because says that One, you think I'm jealous of the time you talk with him and two, you two are sick of me.
……………………………………………………………………
11:06 PM
Julia:
No I just don't appreciate being yelled at.
……………………………………………………………………
11:07 PM
Lexi:
Maybe you should tell HIM that and not ME
……………………………………………………………………
11:07 PM
Julia:
Fine.
……………………………………………………………………
11:08 PM
Lexi:
Have fun with that ho,
……………………………………………………………………
11:08 PM
Julia:
okay
……………………………………………………………………
11:11 PM
Lexi:
Whatev, I'm goin to bed

5/7/2010 wasn't that, like, 5 days before you asked him out? Well, here you go, that IM convo I keep refering to.

5/7/2010
10:06 PM
Lexi:
Ok, Julia sent me a message you apparently sent her saying I should go directly to you. Well, since I'm a mindless worm, what does that make you? I'm smarter than you are.
……………………………………………………………………
10:07 PM
Joey:
If you have come to argue you might as well leave now I haven't the patience or tolerance for it.
……………………………………………………………………
10:07 PM
Lexi:
Sorry oh mighty being that is Joey
……………………………………………………………………
10:08 PM
Joey:
Why don't you just leave me alone you know I doubted myself at first but now I know you really never do care.
……………………………………………………………………
10:09 PM
Lexi:
Exactally. I'm a horrible person. You should think exactlly this. All of the preppy people do.
……………………………………………………………………
10:10 PM
Joey:
I could care less what the preppy people think. You don't seem to care about me and just people in general.
You apparently lack compassion
……………………………………………………………………
10:12 PM
Lexi:
I don't care about people who obviously don't know me. Ooh yes, I TOTALLY lack compassion. If I see burning children, I just keep walking. You're abusive.
……………………………………………………………………
10:13 PM
Joey:
Lexi I asked Julia since she seems to be the only person around that you consider to be a friend if you have ever stood up for her as a friend and she said like only a few times in 4th grade.
……………………………………………………………………
10:14 PM
Joey:
And how am I abusive?
I have done some unfair things to you in the past I admit to this but I regreted it and apologized. You don't seem to care when you do something bad.
and I haven't done anything to you recently
……………………………………………………………………
10:16 PM
Lexi:
Lol Appoligize? Is that you call saying you don't regret it now?
……………………………………………………………………
10:17 PM
Joey:
I didn't say that I said I regreted what I did.
……………………………………………………………………
10:18 PM
Lexi:
You bruised my leg, said I deserved it, and said there was no reason to say sorry.
……………………………………………………………………
10:19 PM
Joey:
I didn't mean it, I felt horrible that day and if you don't believe me I could really care less. You used to smack me and knock my glasses off my face. You never really have been kind to me.
……………………………………………………………………
10:20 PM
Lexi:
Yeah, sorry it was painfully obvious I was playing around AND fetched them for you.
……………………………………………………………………
10:21 PM
Joey:
Lexi didn't I tell you in the start with that I didn't want to argue.
……………………………………………………………………
10:21 PM
Lexi:
You also tried to make it sould like you were above me.
……………………………………………………………………
10:22 PM
Joey:
I called you a mindless worm because you called me a dog and I thought you meant it in an insult way.
……………………………………………………………………
10:23 PM
Lexi:
Yeah, because it's in my nature to call you random insults when we weren't joking around before.
……………………………………………………………………
10:24 PM
Joey:
When do we joke around anymore. Lately you have been mad at me. Julia and I can both tell it doesn't take a rocket scientist.
And I don't mean now I mean at school.
……………………………………………………………………
10:26 PM
Lexi:
Obviously you're blind. I haven't been angry at you. I've had better things to do.
……………………………………………………………………
10:26 PM
Joey:
Julia told me differently.
……………………………………………………………………
10:27 PM
Lexi:
Julia must be blind. Faggot shouldn't believe everything he hears.
……………………………………………………………………
10:28 PM
Joey:
You know what Lexi. Just go leave me alone. Jump down a well, drown in your own vomit, slit your own throat I really don't care anymore.
I was trying to be nice about this but know I really have lost patience.
……………………………………………………………………
10:29 PM
Lexi:
Yeah, nice. I'm sure someone who doesn't know kindness would believe your BS>
……………………………………………………………………
10:31 PM
Joey:
You know I thought I liked you as a friend but now I see your just plain cruel.
……………………………………………………………………
10:31 PM
Lexi:
Obviously.
Master Joey's word is law.
……………………………………………………………………
10:32 PM
Joey:
I never said that. Now your putting words in my mouth.
……………………………………………………………………
10:34 PM
Lexi:
Why do the two of you forget about actions?
You didn't HAVE To say it. You act like it.
……………………………………………………………………
10:34 PM
Joey:
You are a little witch who hates to admit that she has acted wrong and this whole time you have been hiding behind Julia instead of coming strait to me with anger.
You are a coward and a ignorant fool.
……………………………………………………………………
10:35 PM
Lexi:
Joey's word is law.
……………………………………………………………………
10:36 PM
Joey:
Screw off you are the one acting like you are above me.
You know I really don't hate you but you seem to hate me.
……………………………………………………………………
10:37 PM
Lexi:
I don't hate. You obviously don't know me, but you sure love to pretend.
……………………………………………………………………
10:39 PM
Joey:
Yeah you can justify yourself as the perfect little christian girl all you want. I told you above that I didn't want to argue but you don't care you attack me anyways.
……………………………………………………………………
10:40 PM
Lexi:
I'm not goin as "perfect little christian girl" MY GOSH! Why does everyone TRY to think I think I'm perfect? I KNOW I'm not.
……………………………………………………………………
10:41 PM
Joey:
Your acting like it. Like your never wrong everyone else is.
Why can't you jusy admit you have done wrong. I have.
……………………………………………………………………
10:42 PM
Lexi:
I know I have! YOU'RE the one acting like I think I'm perfect! I know I'm not, but like I said, you don
't know me, but love acting like you do
……………………………………………………………………
10:44 PM
Joey:
I don't even act like it. You know why? Because I care nothing about you. You are foolish and un able to deal with. Whether you live or die really no longer concerns me. I just want to be left alone.
……………………………………………………………………
10:44 PM
Lexi:
Then shut up.
……………………………………………………………………
10:46 PM
Joey:
You keep going on. The VERY firsy thing I said was I don't want to argue. But what did you do you attacked me anyways. You care nothing for my feelings or anyone elses. So before you judge me judge yourself.
……………………………………………………………………
10:47 PM
Lexi:
I'm being polite by answering. OH, wait, MASTER JOEY SAID I'M RUDE. Must be true
……………………………………………………………………
10:47 PM
Joey:
How is that polite? Your mocking me.
……………………………………………………………………
10:48 PM
Lexi:
I'm just being rude, like you said I am
……………………………………………………………………
10:49 PM
Joey:
You are rude deny it all you want I really could care less on your opinion or thoughts.
……………………………………………………………………
10:49 PM
Lexi:
Ok
……………………………………………………………………
10:49 PM
Joey:
Then shut up.
Master Lexi
……………………………………………………………………
10:50 PM
Lexi:
Chicks aren't masters and I'm not acting like my words make laws.
……………………………………………………………………
10:51 PM
Joey:
Why did you even talk to me. You knew what the outcome would be. Do you just like to argue?
……………………………………………………………………
10:52 PM
Lexi:
Apparently you said I should come to you. So I did. Idiot.
……………………………………………………………………
10:53 PM
Joey:
You know what Lexi drop dead. Go kill yourself I don't care. You would be doing the world a huge favor. This whole time I have felt horrible about myself. And you don't give a shit. I could die tonight and you wouldn't care.
……………………………………………………………………
10:54 PM
Lexi:
Actually, unlike you, I would care. But I would care if anyone died.
……………………………………………………………………
10:55 PM
Joey:
Lexi you don't know me. You don't know one little bit about me. So don't even pretend like you do.
……………………………………………………………………
10:57 PM
Lexi:
You just said you wouldn't care if I died. I'm not pretending, I'm going off what you said. Sorry, try again.
……………………………………………………………………
10:58 PM
Joey:
Yes because you have given me no reason to care. You have always been rude and unkind to me. And I am sick of it and so is Julia. She also said you are jealous because she talks to me more than you.
……………………………………………………………………
11:00 PM
Joey:
And I believe you are. Why? I do not know.
there is nothing to be jealous about.
……………………………………………………………………
11:02 PM
Lexi:
Julia WISHES there was something to be jealous of. She can SLEEP OUTSIDE if she's sick of me.
……………………………………………………………………
11:02 PM
Joey:
And do not pretend that you have not acted like you are better than me. You just declard above that you are smarter than me. Is that not acting like you are above me.
……………………………………………………………………
11:03 PM
Lexi:
It's fact, Joey. Not arrogance.
……………………………………………………………………
11:05 PM
Joey:
See. You are self-centered. Declaring yourself above others. Their is no different. You are arrogant. This is full proof of that. You are a self- abosorbed bitch. You said in 6th grade that you hated people who acted like they are better than people. What are you doing now you pathedic hypocrite.
……………………………………………………………………
11:08 PM
Lexi:
I'm not. It's a freakin fact. I'm way out there, sure, but I'm smarter than you. It doesn't mean anything.
……………………………………………………………………
11:09 PM
Joey:
Okay great lord Lexi. Then what shall be the punishment of a dunce like myself? A decapitation, walking into a pit of king cobras?
……………………………………………………………………
11:09 PM
Lexi:
You've preached at me enough about my arrogance, I'm going to bed.
And I didn't say you're stupid. I'm above average.
……………………………………………………………………
11:10 PM
Joey:
Good. And um Lexi I was going to apologize
……………………………………………………………………
11:10 PM
Lexi:
I'm sure

Sunday, October 3, 2010

It's funny,

when you finally learn what everyone else knew. Only, it isn't really funny except you have to laugh or you might just crumble before everyone and that would be bad. They may have to tell your parents and then even they would know you're freakin psychotic.
...Only I'm sick of laughing about it. I'm mad, and someone should have to pay. It's only freaking fair. I'm sick of pretending that most things are fine. Sure, it could be worse, sure I could be in a worse situation, but that doesn't change the fact that I want to rip someone eyes out of their head, run around cussing everyone who ever did me any wrong out, scream until my voice is raw, and then smirk to myself when those people ask for favors. I want to slam my fists into the their faces and then scream at them everything they said that ever hurt me. Maybe then they would see that there is reason behind these scars. Maybe then they'd realize I'm freaking sick of this crap and just need a moment to myself so I don't freaking tear them apart.
But I wouldn't ever be able to remember everything they said to me, all the words that ate at me, had me slinking away to my room, the glass or blade or other sharp edge, wouldn't be able to remember not make up things I want to yell at them. Who gives a crap if they put me into some asylum?! It's freaking away from this!!
Yet, I'm still a caged bird, unable to let this anger, saddness, hate run free. I'm still laughing, like it's still fine.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Got told this is full of selfpity.

Honestly, it's not like there's any empathy or sympathy for me. So I do it myself. Only ones who should get to complain are the ones who haven't felt self-pity ever.
Not going to school tomorrow. Hoping everyone will calm down and be happy without me there to mess it up. Have fun whores, backstabbers, and jerks! Because even if you don't, I will and we all know I can't enjoy life more than you!

I got too optimistic.

I thought today was gonna be ok. Now, I feel spent. Someone shoot me. I'm a waste of space who let itself get hurt. I don't want to go to school, just need to get rid of this feeling of worthlessness. Why even post on here, she isn't gonna read it. She says she doesn't know what she would do without him, so I'm disposeable. Hurry, numb before I make an attempt on this freaking life. I'm sick of this Hell.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Post 2 of 2.

I don't want to do anything. No one's got time for me, she won't tell me what's up. But I guess I can't tell her crap now. It all goes to him anyways, instead of her telling me she has a problem with it herself.
Whatever, I'm thinking of painting my canvas. Something creative to clear me.
I called, yelled, called again to say sorry, then called again to ask what the heck, and got told she didn't have time for that. Phone's dead, and I feel like dying. Don't wanna do nothing now. I wanna skip school next week, spend it in my room. No one will miss me. I'm just a nothing. They'll go on as though life is all ine and perfect. Which is good, for them. I don't have anyone to talk to, not seriously, not anymore.
I think I'll just put the phone on the charger and lock myself in my room. I'm just so sick of everything.

Post 1 of 2

Enough
Between You and Joseph Rudis
Joseph Rudis October 1 at 9:24am Report
I am really quite sick of your disturbing obsession with Julia. I know everything you say to her. I know that you are angry at her because she will not get rid of me. So you are trying to turn her against me. Is this some sort of game to you? What is your problem. Julia tells me that if she hugs anyone else before she hugs you especially when it comes to me you get really pissed at her.Why? What the hell is wrong with her hugging other people before she hugs you? I am in a relationship with her and that doesn't even bother me the least bit. And I saw the way you looked at me when I went and stood next to Julia and you said " I have to go to tutoring" and rudely walked away. And Julia now tells me that it "physically hurts" you that I am with her. Why? If you are cutting yourself then the only one to blame is you. I did nothing to you I merely stripped away your collapsing illusion. You were afraid. You were afraid that I or anyone else would see through your false appearense and see what you truely are. A sad, psychoctic, obsessive, dangerous girl. And you are afraid someone like me will "steal" Julia away. So the way I see it is you are either a lesbian or you have completely lost your mind. You are an anchor and will drag Julia down. You spread your negativity to others. And why? Because you want someone to either suffer the same fate as you or someone to try and guilt trip. You deserve no sympathy. You are a dangerous human being and your worst enemy is yourself. You need some serious mental help my dear =) .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 5:25am Obviously, she doesn't tell you all of it. And, even though I don't really like you, I didn't mean to give you a dirty look. If you asked me to tell you how I felt then (which I know you didn't), I wouldn't be able to give a better answer than "broken and like she would ignore me."
You don't think it, but I do have to fight for her attention when you're around and I just frickin hate it because everyone wants me to be happy for you guys and act like I feel ok. I don't spread my negativity, at least not as much as you think I do.
My cutting is my choice, I know. I'm fine with it, and really wouldn't wish it on anyone. Really, I'm not at all dangerous. Maybe to myself, but not to anyone else.
I get that I'm probably a little crazy. I've got a major fear of abandonment and I cut. Yeah, I gets it I'm crazy. :P I don't want your sympathy. If I did, I would be flashing the cuts and scars, not hiding them. .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 5:28am Report
So why is it that you don't like me? Because I got the truth out of you of who you really are? Or is it because I am with Julia? .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 5:34am Idk, seeing your face just makes me wanna punch something. And then she freaking expects me to try and hang out with you guys when I'm almost certain she'll totally ignore me. .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 5:37am Report
So basically you dislike me for no reason...really mature. .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 5:44am Ohkay, let me think of a reason...you're arrogant, annoying, accusing, probably one of the most ignorant people I know,(the ones after this are actual reasons) you don't think of how your actions will bother others, and you just came at me without knowing the whole story.
Honestly, you both act like being mean to me will eventually make me come around. It's freaking stupid. .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 5:53am Report
No acutally I don't really expect you to come around. Actually I told Julia that if you were bothering her enough that shes hould just leave you behind completely. I wouldn't have actually told her that if it weren't for the fact that she told me that you want her to get rid of me. That and your lesbian-like obsession over her is really scaring her. And "annoying". I fail to see how. The only time I ever even say anything to you is if you are starting your stupid drama. And that is when I confront you. And rightfully so. So I guess anyone that you piss off through out your life must be annoying because they may confront you. I only accuse when I know the facts or if I was mislead. And Julia has told me all I needed to know about all the ignorant drama you start every day of every week. And quite frankly I don't care how my actions may bother you or anyone else. I do not live to please you nor any other person I do not care for. And Ignorant? I call it out. Apparently I smart enough to dig out the truth from your pathedic false image. You are just as ignorant as I. And You are quite insane. If you are in love with Julia just admit it already. And what bugs me about you...you act as if everything is fine and then randomly some week you start this whole drama thing all over again. .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 5:59am I don't care that you guys are dating. I care that it made her change completely. I care that I'm expected to be perfectly fine and not at all upset. Honestly, if you weren't such a brat at times like this and actually tried to get info about the actual situation, I would try not to feel like I'm gonna hurl when I'm around you two and only walk off when I actually am being ignored. .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 6:03am Report
The only thing making her mad and making her ignore you is...you. She ignores her because you turn crazy on her. I haven't every told her to do anything to you. I told her when we were still friends that I will not persuade her to do something she doesn,t want to do. .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 6:05am Report
And how has she changes for the worst? Is the fact that she is happy bother you? Or do you expect her to be a nun her entire life. And stop calling me a brat like you are my parent or something. I am simply confronting you because this whole thing is really starting to piss me off. .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 6:11am No, she ignores me even when she isn't mad at me. The fact that she's happy doesn't bother me. The fact that she ignores me does! But like always you only see your point of view. .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 6:12am Report
You don't know what I see. Don't be a condescending bitch. .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 6:16am Obviously I've done something completely unforgivable by trying to firgure out what's up, and if it weren't you, I may say sorry. .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 6:16am Report
That doesn't explain why you are so obsessive over her. She even told me about you asking how she would react if you told her that you truely love her. What is that about? .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 6:19am I was being hypothetical or wondering or whatever. But I have learned never to ask her anything. .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 6:20am Report
You haven't answered my question. .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 6:25am Report
Well since you will not answer you obviously are afraid to answer me or you would have no problem answering my question. .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 6:32am I did. Obviously you're referring to a question you didn't ask or missesd the answer.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 6:35am Report
Why would you ask such an odd and somewhay creepy question? And that wasn't the only thing she had told me. .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 6:38am Blah, blah, blah, she told you everything, blah, blah, blah. I didn't think she would mind and I was wondering. She should've told me herself if she did
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 6:39am Report
She didn't tell me everything. None of you ever have told me the full story on anything. She also told me you wouldn't mind hanging out with us if she held you hand. ????????? .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 6:42am Physical anchor to keep me from running away and I meant once, but it doesn't matter, she doesn't have time for me.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 6:46am Report
And she never will. As long as you keep up your phsyco behavior she will always cast you out. She may even try and sort things out with you now. But you always take the wrong approach and yell at her. And don't say you don't because she just told me you called her freaking out. If you are going to be a bitch to her just leave her the hell alone. And what would you need to run away from? We are talking about going over and talking to people not petting a lion. .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 6:51am I called and yelled, I didn't mean to, I just didn't want to seem like an idiot for crying on the phone and I called back and said sorry. Despite what you both think I dont mean to be a bad person. You try being completely alone or even told you're horrible when all you want to do is curl up and cry.
And trust me, it doesn't seem like that to you, but it does to me
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 6:53am Report
How are you alone? Who calls you horrible? You tell me all these things yet you don't give me any examples. .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 6:56am You have practically been doing it this whole time. Julia treats me wanting to know what's going on as a horrid crime even if I'm not yelling. And how am I not alone? I don't have anyone close to me that I can tell anything!
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 6:59am Report
I never once called you horrible nor thought it. I think you are acting over-dramatic and crazy. You don't ever no whats going on? Ha thats a laugh. And you do have your family. Your first friends. .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 7:01am I don't. and no, I can't talk to them about anything. Saying I'm obsessive, phyco, and dangerous certainly sounds like horrible.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 7:06am Report
No calling you horrible would mean that I would hate you. And I do not hate you. And why can't you talk with your family? .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 7:09am You don't have to hate someone to think they're horrible. Haha, how could I talk to them?
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 7:10am Report
Just talk. .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 7:13am Oh yeah, "hey, mom, quit working on your degree, we need to talk about me cutting" would just go over grandly.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 7:14am Report
I am sure your parents would find some time to talk about your health. And yes cutting is a health problem. .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 7:16am Yeah right after they threw me into the asylum and ignored me for years.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Joseph Rudis October 2 at 7:18am Report
Well being as obsessive as you are you obviously have some sort of mental issue. Though I do not know your parents I don't think they think of you as so worthless as to throw you in an asylum and forget about you. .
Lexi Dixon October 2 at 7:21am Yeah, I never had attention. Ever since I was 18 months old and I had someone I never thought would leave and now I'm freaking alone!
Joseph Rudis October 3 at 7:18pm Report
Life will not always be a pleasent trip. You loose people. It just happens. And you haven't even lost Julia...yet. And you do have other friends you know. Like Cheyenne and Lizz. And I am qute sure your parents aren't emotionless pigs towards you. I think you are just way to dramatic. In fact I know you are.
Lexi Dixon October 3 at 8:24pm Then you'll be able to deal with me saying this perfectly, shut up, I'm freaking sick of hearing your bull crap. If Julia had something to say to me, she should've done it herself, but thanks for waking me up to the fact that I can't trust my best friend. ^^
Joseph Rudis October 4 at 5:33pm Report
= ) .
Joseph Rudis October 4 at 5:36pm Report
With that attitude she won't be your friend for much longer. And you start all the drama. I was simply confronting you. And I have all the reason to. And what was this " then don't, the worst that can happen is that I go and kill myself". Wow really mature. You're pathedic. Nice talking to ya! =) .
Lexi Dixon October 4 at 7:39pm Seriously, you act like you're all big and bold and "confronting me". You wanna know what you're doing? Sitting behind a computer screen because you're too scared to actually say any of this to my face. =) I don't see what's wrong with my attitude. And actually our friendship is great, so I guess you should quit speaking for her, huh?

(holy crap, doesn't this brat have a life outside of this?)

Joseph Rudis October 4 at 9:15pm Report
She told me herself that she is sick of your bullcrap. Oh yes really great friendship. And I would confront you to your face but it really isn't worth getting in trouble with the principal over. I would perfer a nice clean school record. .
Lexi Dixon October 4 at 9:21pm How bout you tell her to tell me herself? Because, honestly, I've found that you're full of crap.
=3 Oh yes, because you can so get a bad record by telling someone what you think about them to their face. Freakin pansy. .
Lexi Dixon October 4 at 9:22pm The real question is...if it isn't worth a bad school record, why drag it out on facebook? Nothing better to do with your life?
Joseph Rudis October 4 at 9:26pm Report
No it is an issue to be acknowledged but why put myself in a situation that gets me in trouble? That would be rather foolish of me. Unless the severity of this situation gets even worse then I will confront you personally. Knowing the fact that you may or may not run to the adults for some sense of cowardice protection. .
Lexi Dixon October 4 at 9:27pm Not when I consider this harassment.
Joseph Rudis October 4 at 9:28pm Report
And constantly yelling at Julia is not harassment? .
Lexi Dixon October 4 at 9:29pm I don't constantly yell at her. And honestly,SHE should be talking to me about this. Not you.
Joseph Rudis October 4 at 9:31pm Report
She doesn't know how to tell you what she wants to tell you that is why I have been trying to help. Believe me or not that is obviously your choice. But the text messages don't lie. .
Joseph Rudis October 4 at 9:31pm Report
Help Julia that is. .
Lexi Dixon October 4 at 9:35pm Honestly, she shouldn't have even been telling you crap.
But, right now, as far as I'm concerned, both of you can take a long walk off a cliff.
Joseph Rudis October 4 at 9:43pm Report
A contradiction of your own beliefs. All the more amusing. .
Lexi Dixon October 4 at 9:49pm You know, I'm a pretty nice person. You know what else? I'm ending this conversationg.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Hardest thing I've had to send over text

"Because you're happy everytime you're with him"
Why?
Because the person I was talking to...I can never make happy.
I'm supposedly their best friend, but can't ever make them happy, not even when I try.
But, I guess it's a fair trade.
They say I'm only cutting for attention.
Like I'm wearing short sleeves with arms all scarred up.
If I wanted attention, don't you think you would actually see them?
Don't you think I would bring it up more?
Would you try to be nicer if I did?
If you saw the tears as they slipped down my fat cheeks, silently?
If you saw the brilliant red as it came out?
Or would you walk away, leaving me alone?
It only takes a moment, a day, of screaming insanities for a scar that'll last ages.
I'm sorry, hugs do mean this much to me.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Accidents happen

She's done with me, so why should I keep trying to quit? It hurts, emotionally and physically. Why does everyone leave me?! Am I that bad? I feel effing broken. I feel like I could cut away every inch of skin in search of a way to stop the pain. I don't wanna do anything but cry. I feel sick, don't wanna eat, don't wanna feel.

I remember when...

I remember when every weekend, it was expected that you were coming over. I remember when you told me otherwise, yet it didn't bother me as much. I remember when Dad asked where you were when you weren't here. I remember waking up the next morning happy you were here. I remember when I lived for each weekend.
Now, you tell me when you're coming over. You knock. You have to see if you can fit me into your schedule. The weekends are like every other day except no school. When you say you're with someone else, I feel like breaking. Dad doesn't ask. There's just...nothing.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

What does it matter?

What do I matter? Nothing matters. Why get mad about me thinking about not doing this audition? I don't have anything to do for it! Why does it matter? Since when do I matter?! I'm sick of...everything.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Can I be? Really?

Echo says that I'm good enough. Could I be? I mean, really? Even with how broken I am? Because, I can be better. I think. I could take the time to make every little scar disappear. I can be better. I can grow up, become mature. I can get a boyfriend, maybe. I can, I can, I can...not feel good enough. Even if you tell me I am, I don't feel it. I feel like everything about me is ugly. Personality, style, appearance. Why else would you not want to spend time with me? I hate fighting for your attention when it used to be I just...have it. Now, you're saying crap like you seriously love him, and you're right, I'm a brat who can't be happy for you. I want to because the perfect best friend would be able to, but I can't. I'm used to having you there no matter what and now.... Now I may as well suck it up because I don't know when you want to be happy and don't care. Now, when I need you to make me feel loved, you want to tell me you're in love. Now, when I need you the most, you aren't here. Now, when I'm spending nights crying, you don't want to hear it. But I guess life doesn't wait for a single person to get themself together. So, I'll try to be good enough, I'll act like it's the best thing in the world, and I'll be perfect on the outside. I won't die or end up in the hospital, honestly, because that would make people worry. You can live in this happiness that you want, I swear I'll try not to bring it down...because I'm not good enough, I'm just....not. I'm broken, I'm a mess, more than you know, but I want you to think I'm good enough, need you to think I'm good enough because you'll leave if I'm not, you'll actually be sick of me and you'll actually leave. That way, when I break, you'll be there for me to fall on...unless you forget how this is.

Friday, September 3, 2010

I feel like the world's biggest Calamity.

I made her mad, again, but it would've been easier for me if she had just shot me instead of saying that. We weren't even talking about it! The razor is calling loudly tonight, I'm sure even you can almost hear it. It sings pretty songs of a deadly dance. A deadly dance that intoxicates me. Why? Why? Oh why? Because it's the easiest thing in my world. In the morning, I'll hate myself for doing it, kinda like when someone drinks too much, but life will move on. Eventually this will be a memory. Just a memory where it feels like my heart was ripped out and I realized my worthlessness. Please, let me be perfect, even with these scars. Please, don't let the war I wage against myself be what stops my perfection.
Sadly, the razor sings loudly and only thoughts of it and sadness fill me. My core has broken. You should've killed me, Echo. No one would cry for I am the world's biggest Calamity.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Just something I told someone on facebook that I believe is VERY true about me.

You don't want to know about me. I'm a self-loathing brat who clings too tightly to people, who like dying when they think less of me even though I think I'm trash, and who's one of the most selfish, stupid, demanding people you'll ever meet. No one WANTS to know about me because knowing about me means tearing about the nice act I have at school.

Now I can't stop thinking horrible thoughts about myself. Best part? No one who can tell me otherwise. All of this is true, whether anyone likes it or not. I don't even have a "best friend" anymore since the one I had most recently demoted me to just a friend. So, I'm spending this weekend with my family. I feel like crap, like pushing a razor through my flesh, watching a little bit of me disappear, but I've already told someone I wouldn't.
Don't wanna go to school Monday, just wanna sit around doing nothing. Don't wanna do anything ever. I want someone to text me, telling me I'm a sweet person, worth more than dirt. That's what a best friend would do, but I don't have one, so I have to try to cheer myself up. Just wanna die, though. I'm wasting resources that could go to someone who is doing/would do good for life. Me? I'm just another waste of space and I would say like a rock, but those can have a purpose.
It's funny, but once you realize you're on that downward spiral, there's no one there to tell you you ARE worth while. No one makes you feel like you belong somewhere.
"No, Julia got sick of dealing with me considering she knew about nearly everything. It's funny because if I was her, I wouldn't talk to me either."
Then, even though he goes on about how rude it is to do this, gets off without saying goodbye. It doesn't really bother me, though.
Byes...

Honesty.

It gets sweet people like me into deep trouble. Don't tell your friends the truth about their personalities, they don't want to know. Especially when they act like the person they hate the most.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Lying over Text Message

It's such an easy thing to do. Use the right words and no one knows that you're wishing you were dead. Use the right words and in the end the other person doesn't get mad or feel guilty. Use the right words and they don't know that you'll probably have scars running around your back.
I lied to Echo over texted, acted like I cared/understood. Pretended to be that friend that will listen and be happy WITH her. All the while, I felt like crap, cutting myself open and drinking soda so I could keep that happy texting up because quite honestly, no matter how happy I could text, I felt like crap. She called it being stressful, but honestly, I just wanted to be able to talk about my problems, but she said she couldn't deal with me being stressful, so I perked up. No wonder I wanna be an actress.

Friday, August 20, 2010

I lose.

Swore to myself that I could go this school year without cutting, that I'll be strong enough to resist that freaking urge. I can't do it. None my friends who know care enough to tell me to stop, giving me the strength to resist. What's it matter, though? I'm doing it where it won't be seen, so I go on being A-OK! Yeah, yeah, Echo and I have officially demolished our friendship. BUT IT'S SO SHE CAN BE HAPPY! I'm sick of dragging others down with me. But unlike I told her, everything matters. Pretending it doesn't matter doesn't change the fact that it does even if you don't matter. Whatever, so long as I can make someone happy.
I feel so depressed. Not that anyone really cares. I've noticed something, even if you say something depressing, putting a smiley face (like dis ^^ or :)) people think your fine. Like: I hate life ^^. That just seems like something happened and you'll get over it eventually.
Here's to CALAMITY! Hehehehehahahaha. Man, I wish people would call me Calamity. It's such a cool word.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Take a deep breath, let it out...

School starts soon. I've worked my ungodly magic again and made her mad and feel like she's trying to pressure me into dating. Screw off, I'm fourteen. I'll date when I wanna. I'm on pills for what the doc calls Chronic Daily Headaches. That's EXACTLY what they are. Read the new Artie Fowl. AMAZING!! Artemis grows up so muches!
Maybe I'll do one more cut, as a farewell to a summer that seems so fake looking back.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

My Right to be Angry- Taken

I was mad only because she said something. But when I try to say something, she can't deal with it, me, at the moment. "I'm not going to talk to him because I'm here to talk to you, not him" How did that work out for you? Picked up the phone every.single.time. Didn't mean to? Is that what you said when I said something? Bull. If you can't control yourself a few hours...well, I'm gonna start thinking bad things about you. BTW, I'm not mad right now, just kinda glum.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Would she rather me die of a heat stroke

Mom yelled at me for running because the dog woke her up. She yelled at me for running IN MY YARD, NEAR THE HOUSE because it's one thirty in the morning. I could've been on the road. It could have been nearly 100 degrees outside. But I was in OUR YARD with it only being, like seventy. There was no danger except mosquitoes. I don't see WHY I was yelled at.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Don't say a word.

That's how I feel. Sure, I trust her, and know that she doesn't mean to. I feel as though I can't really say anything about me feeling completely lonely and left out. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it. She's my best friend, but I don't want to make her mad over it anymore.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Because my mind is always thinking of writing...

I've started another story. In this the reader quickly realizes that the story isn't about the narrator, at least not yet. No, it seems that for the beginning the story is about the narrator's best friend. Alexander Kyle Rice, the narrator, is somehow friends with James Payne, a boy who seems to have everything bad happen to him. The story begins with Alex walking into school and James telling him that's dating Emma Stephens(I really love how her name just seems to flow). Emma and James are described as being completely different.
"Emma and James were like day and night. James had nearly blacker than black hair while Emma had dirty blond hair. James could be the most mature in a room if he wanted, even if there was a teacher in the room. Emma was, well, she was a twelve year old girl. James went home everyday to things he refused to speak of. Emma went home to love, warmth, and a few petty fights with her little brother."
Around the time of Christmas (in the first writing it was before December 21st, 2008 because it was done in a diary format), Emma dumps James. This unravels James's world even more. Hopefully, I'll concentrate on this, finish it, and be able to go back to the other story I was writing. Seriously, I had the other story all plotted out and everything just to get a new idea!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

For You See, I Too Have A Love

I pick up the
razor,
wanting to carve in your name.

It's sharp,
painful almost,
and wouldn't dare make you a
permanent part of me.

The blood
and date
stain my skin

and a thought
shimmers through me.
"If she thinks she's in love with him,
Paying attention to me takes the backseat."

Even if you try to say
otherwise.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

So, since she won't hear what I have to say,

I started talking to some poor girl on some crappy website. I'll admit, replaying it all in my head, I nearly started crying. Haha, maybe I need, like, a counselor to talk to about this because keeping it all bottled up like I have to to keep this friendship from falling apart is killing me. I get it, I get it, you love him or think you do, so anything I say against it makes me the bad guy. Even if I say that if you had asked him out once school started, I would've been fine with it. Why? Him telling me that killing myself would be doing the world a huge favor would not still be a vivid memory. But no, you could only wait five days. You wanna know why I acted cold when you asked? One, it had been four days then. Two, you were too chicken to ask face-to-face.
But why am I trying to tell you this? I already know what happens with it, in one ear, out the other.
Maybe if I type it enough on here, you'll actually hear it. It hurts because you're suppose to be my best friend and you dating him so soon after he says that is like you going, "I second this."
Why do I even try anymore? I've told you basically the same thing since you started dating him. You don't even hear it. Sure, you listen to it, but you don't care to hear it. I'm sorry, but to have that nice happy relationship with him that you want, you'll have to not be friends with me because I'm always going to be mad about that until you two break up. Don't worry, I won't go off and kill myself.
Answer my phone tomorrow or don't, that is the question.... I'm really leaning to the don't. No one really wants to talk to me anymore anyway.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Trying to Survive When Silence is Deafening.

Spit it out,
the truth,
the whole truth....

only to be told
I am totally
overreacting.

No thought about
what was
said,

shot down with
a mere
sentence.

The silence is
deafening as we sit there,
post-argument silence.

I stand,
walk outside,
run to the railroad tracks...

sit down,
don't cry,
wait until you leave

Because you will leave
and you won't think twice about
leaving me alone.

Slip in once you're gone,
sneak into my room,
sneak out.

Sit on the railroad again,
slip glass out of my mouth,
cut open my bare feet,

finally cry
because the silence you left behind,
yeah, it kills me.


This is one summer memory that stands out so vividly that I can remember all about it. How I was near tears, with my throat tightening, as I screamed at you. Maybe if I scream loud enough, my foolish thoughts said, I'll get through. I still haven't gotten through to you on why it hurts so much, but when I think about it this thought comes along, "Maybe if I actually slit my throat, they would understand."
But I'm just overreacting.

I know it's wrong...

For me to still be mad, but I am. Sure, I can pretend to be over for the sake of keeping the peace, but deep down I still feel betrayed. It's like saying you agree..only ten times worse. It's like saying you care more about him. Sure, sure, sure, I won't say anything more about it to you...just to keep peace. Don't worry, I'm starting to realize the fact that you hate how...puppy doggish I act. You didn't hate it about Liz, did you? You hated it about me. No worries, dear, I hate it too. You never ask why I do it, barely act like you care, just tell me to quit. Don't ask what goes on in this crazy head. I probably won't tell you, but I swear to you that half the time, I hate myself.

So, whether I stand strong or fall because I can no longer struggle to my knees, my feet, I am the sweet calamity and poison that survives in your world. You say you worry when I take another slice, yet it's still obvious you don't care. "Pretty much everyone cuts." Stupidest. Part. Of. A. Sentence. You've. Sent. Me.

Over the past year, one in five females and one in seven males have engaged in some form of self-injury type behavior. (gotted from here)

Cutting statistics show that 1% of Americans participate in self-injury. (keep in mind this includes some eating disorders) Estimates show that 1 in every 200 girls between 13 and 19 cut themselves regularly.(gotted from here)


No, our school is just stupid/unlucky to have, at least four in the school. Cutting isn't some trend. "Pretty much everyone cuts." Was that suppose to make me feel comforted or make it so I want to? If you weren't my friend and I ACTUALLY thought you were that stupid, I would tell you to go choke on glass.
Don't ask, I randomly got super ticked off about that.

You're my best friend, and I trust you with my life, but there are somethings I just don't want to tell you. Thank goodness you don't ask. I need to feel loved, but lately the only love I seem to feel is none. Did you know? I don't cry anymore unless something is really killing me. Let's just say...it was cut out.

Since we're doing statistics anyway, here are some more...

An estimated 10 – 15% of people with anorexia or bulimia are males

20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems

95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25

50% of girls between the ages of 11 and 13 see themselves as overweight

These came from here

40% of 9-year-old girls have dieted

Only 1 in 10 people with an eating disorder will receive treatment and out of this number 80% do not receive treatment at the intensity they need to recover.

These came from here

Okay, I'll quit with the statistics. Seriously, "Pretty much everyone does it". No, just because you decided to slice open your ankles does not mean that. I know that if I was anorexic and you were too and you decided to tell me, I would freak out. I don't care if that would mean you call me a hypocrite.
This is gonna get me yelled at, but...is that why you liked being at his place? He kept you moving and didn't expect you to eat much? While at my place we expect you to eat and won't let you work it all off?
Perhaps, I'm just possessive of you? But after what we've been through? Whatever. I'm gonna date someday and one of the things that they'll have to do to be my whatever is be nice to my friend. Meaning no dating them after they tell my "Best" friend that killing themselves is doing the world a huge favor.
So, why refuse church camp? I'm more than slightly sure that everyone's given up on me. You, me, my parents, my family, everyone. I'm depressed, nothing sticks in my head anymore, life seems to be getting worse. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that everyone realizes what I am. Fake. Hypocritical. Broken. Lying. Worthless. No, this isn't a suicide note. Gosh.
My birthday. Yeah, I getting everything out there. Seriously, you didn't really seem to want to be there. Say so next time and I'll know not to invite you. I can deal with spending my birthday alone. Honestly. It was amazing, having to go with just my mom and brother and it being cut short because my brother was ready to got. It was amazing just like the sarcasm put into the sentence. It's nice to know that the one friend who went to my birthday party decided to see her boyfriend first. I was only turning fourteen, nothing important, nearly everyone in our grade has already done it. Nothing special just like me. Right, dear? Naturally.
Today....felt like a slap in the face. Have fun? I decided to stay longer. ..............oh. Force the smile as I reply to the text. What did I even say? Something along the lines of text me when you get done. Though I didn't really want to talk to anyone anymore. I just wanted to know how much longer you stayed. Then when I did the math, it bugged me all day. An hour and ten minutes longer than you spent with me. Over three hours of not talking to me, of not caring whether I was alive or dead. Over three hours where I practically did not exist. Sure, that may not be true but it's how I saw it.
Have fun? I decided to stay longer. ..................oh.

yawn. Have fun? Wait-why am I asking? Of course you did.
You did decide to be there two hours longer, making it obvious.

Have fun, Calamity?
No, I feel like I'm still letting everyone down.
Have fun, Calamity?
No, I know I'm gonna make her mad again.
Have fun, Calamity?
No, I feel like betrayal.
Have fun, Calamity?
No, I feel worthless.
Have fun, Calamity?
No. Just shut up.

Sorry, brief moment of craziness. By the way, this is just a huge rant.
It's just, half the things that we DON'T talk about that I can shrug off at the moment are the things that come back and choke me later. I feel mentally exhausted now.

Some favorite lyrics:

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
My Immortal By Evanescence


These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
My Immortal by Evanescence

She's glad for one day of comfort
Only because she has suffered
Fully Alive by Flyleaf

Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn too much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies
About the times
So I Thought by Flyleaf.

Fine, fine, I'll stop typing. I've basically just been typing everything and I shouldn't. Sorry for the feelings I've hurt. Night.

Your sweet Calamity.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Emotastical Sigh

It seems like my mom is yelling at me for everything today. First, she tells me she isn't going to watch the crappy s-word that I'm watching, so I need to change the channel. Then, I simply say that my brother has a baseball glove in his drawer(that's seriously how it's spelled) and my mom snaps at me to stay out to stay out of his drawers. Seriously, she could have just told me to change the channel.
Whatever. I'm gonna go sulk! Yes, SULK!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Gone by Switchfoot

Okay, Gone by Switchfoot is one of those few songs that cause the hairs on my arm to rise up. It almost brings tears to my eyes because it's so true. Everything here on Earth will eventually end. If we live today like tomorrow will come, we may be left feeling that way about everyday, but today could be the end of everything. Even though everything ends, it doesn't mean we should give up with the excuse that it all doesn't really matter. I'm sure nearly everyone has heard that saying about dreaming like you've got forever, but living like you have today. I've always felt that, but usually I don't do what I mean to get done that day. It leaves me...upset, honestly. I've got so many things that I've wanted to tell my friends, but then believe that they wouldn't want to hear it. Now, honestly, I wish I had said those things. Yeah, yeah, that's something always pushed now your throats and it doesn't mean a thing. Well, dearest, it means too much to me. Sometimes I wish I didn't regret anything in the world, sometimes I can totally forget about it, but anytime I go back and remember it, it bites deeper and crueler than when it happened.
That's all. Haha.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Kinda depressed...

So, my arm hurts because my mom gave me the shot I need for school. That's not why I'm depressed. I'm kinda depressed because I looked in the mirror and actually went, "DANG! You're gettin fat!" It's actually a huge fear of mine to be that person that everyone looks at and goes, "yup, they're fat." because most of the people in my house are. I'll admit it, I'm slightly overweight. Usually, I don't mind, but recently, I dunno what's happened. I guess it's because this is the first summer I'm going to be mainly alone since... third or fourth grade. Whatever, I can get through this, on my own.

Bye, for tonights.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

She says she gave me all the room in the world to care...

But she barely tells me crap. I would care if she bothered to tell me. Some days, I wish I could crawl into her head and find out what she was thinking. I get the need to keep secrets, but you can't expect me to care about something you don't tell me about. I made the opening for you to find out my big secret, the skeleton in my closet, but you basically say screw it, you're not my friend anymore, and why would I care, you flipped out at me. Do you miss the reason, right under your nose? Half of these posts are sorrow drowned away by caffeine, morphed and changed into anger. She was my best friend, closer than my own sister, but I'm sick of late nights up trying to forget or crying.
She says she gave me all the room in world, and maybe she did. Maybe I just overlooked it because what she said didn't seem major or I didn't know how to express my care. I have a feeling she won't read this, but even if she does, I'm too honest. I only cared as much as I was allowed, but when I'm told next to nothing, how am I suppose to care?
So, if you're reading this, miss Echo, tell me, what was it I was suppose to care about? I'm sick of feeling ready to claw out my throat because it feels swollen shut. I'm sick of nearly always being ready to cry. I think I figured out my problem with you guys dating. Maybe it was just I needed to talk to him about what he said, but I'm sorry I took out any anger on you. You're an amazing friend, Echo, and I'm sorry I totally ruined it all.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Just For Echo.

Echo, the timing was bad because you made it bad. You asked him out. It wasn't "Oh, he asked me out and I've liked him for a while." How would you know that I would be ticked if you had waited a year? Honestly, I'm not ticked at him anymore. I'm ticked that someone I thought was my best friend decided that four days after her faggot told me, word for word, "You know what Lexi drop dead. Go kill yourself I don't care. You would be doing the world a huge favor. This whole time I have felt horrible about myself. And you don't give a shit. I could die tonight and you wouldn't care.." Yeah, I should totally be supportive of you dating someone like this. Actually, since I'm not your best friend and am meaningless to both of you, I am happy for you.
I totally never thought they would get together! I'm soo uber happy for both of them! I hope they spend many hours together, pointing out every one of their flaws to each other. Oh, wait, it was just me that they pointed out my flaws to.
BUT I have to honestly address this:
And I am sick of it and so is Echo. She also said you are jealous because she talks to me more than you.

At the time, I honestly denied being jealous, but since I was her best friend, yeah, I was jealous she spoke to someone more than she spoke to me. You know why I stopped acting like a best friend, Echo? You didn't make me feel like I was your best friend. "I'm more comfortable with him." And you also said you trusted him more than me. You know, I thought I would miss you, spend nights crying myself to sleep like I did with Matt-senpai when she left, but still no tears or missing you. This whole thing has been like a slap in the face, over and over. I would rather move on with my life, so if you follow my blog, don't...and lose my number. While I was trying hard to not be ticked off at you for thinking he's the coolest thing next to Antarctica, Taylor was magically making me feel better, making me want tell her everything about. I didn't ever tell you everything about me because I felt that you would tell him and he would just use it to hurt me. Honestly, if you had waited about a year from that Friday, I wouldn't have cared, but you waited until Tuesday. Man, totally makes you seem like a best friend.

The timing was bad because you made it bad. You asked him out, not the other way around. So, in the words of your oh so great boyfriend, drop dead. I don't care if this makes you wanna try to save face by saying you're sorry. I'm sick of the drama YOU purposely cause. Maybe this didn't start when you started dating him. You did talk to him more, so I guess apparently you told him you're sick of me before your "I NEED A MAN!!!" senses kicked in.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I'M SICK OF IT!!

I'm sick of logging into myspace and seeing "missing him" or some other bull. BRAVO, Doll, you have a boyfriend, but I didn't ever think you'd become one of those hos that always missing him. It's a single day into summer break, imagine how it's gonna be at the end of summer. If you miss him so much, quit texting me and call HIM. I would rather slit my own wrists than hear about how much you miss him.
Sorry about ranting, but I just feel like ranting. I feel as though I'm suffocating, too. Also, while she's missing him, I'm not really missing anyone. Except for Taylor and Sarah. I really do miss them. I would miss this dude named William but we've texted a lot. Echo, baby, if you miss him, meet up with him, kiss him, hump him, do whatever you have to so that I don't have to hear about how much you miss him and how sad it makes you. Because I'm sorry you miss him more than you can even consider missing me. You have been away from him A DAY. Unless you mean some other guy...but I highly doubt that. I don't miss Echo because I would rather choke than be put in the same categories Shadow. Did she think of how it would effect our friendship? I doubt it, she's so selfish. I wish I could block her out like I've done with my dog who has heart worms. I just don't want to hear about it, alright? Woo, he's effing amazing and darn, I'm the worse person ever because I wanted to make for sure that you weren't cutting. Sorry I wouldn't just drop it and leave it alone because it's not something you just drop and leave alone. Sorry for caring.
Wait, that's not what this is about... I really care about my friend, but I don't miss her because she misses him and not me. It's so crazy and selfish, I know, but I used to miss her anytime we weren't together. I thought it was because she's my best friend...guess not.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

It's only two hours into the day....

And it sucks on ice. Let's cross our fingers and hope that it get better. Music is becoming one of my favorite companions right now. I feel pretty bad because my friend is in the other room sleeping. I've some music downloading, so I think I'll be going to sleep after it finishes. Alright, one more song to see if I can download from somewhere and then I'll be content. Well, I should probably go to bed. Cross your fingers and hope that this gets better.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

MAY!!

It's almost the end of MAY and school. School ends the twenty-fifth, I thinks. Dance tomorrow, but I'm scared to death. I hate talking about how I....feel... It's effing crazy. How do I feel? Tired, numb, bored, creative. So many ideas run through my head a day. No wonder I end up tired. =3 Anyway, it's nearly midnight and I've gotta write SOMETHING before bed. Can't believe all the arguments I'm getting into with my friend. It's like.... She's always ticked at me for something, it seems. And so we argue and it feels ironic because I've gotten so used to it that when we do I go into this shell where what she says just rolls right off, numb. It's pure insanity. There is nothing more to be said about anything like this. It's just insanity. First she dates this guy who is a total hobag to me, then expects me to be HAPPY for her, and we start getting into arguments. How can I be HAPPY for her when she's dating someone who treats me, someone who is suppose to be her best friend, like crap? Bros before hos, dearest. I do feel kinda bad because I haven't kept up with HER blog, but only because I don't remember the link to it... The scariest thing about this existence is that it seems as though she knows absolutely nothing about me. Sure I need some of her attention because I like talking to her, hanging out with her, but I don't need all of it, something I've proven over and over again and yet she says I do.Yes, I'm going to be mad about her dating this dude for quite some time, even if I think I've gotten over it. Why? Because anytime he can he's a total hobag to me. Do I still love her as my best friend? Even though she's treating me just as bad as he is, yeah, because she is my best friend. Unlike how she feels with me, I'm comfortable with her. Though, I must admit that my trust in her has gone down a lot because I feel as though anything I say will be morphed and used against me in a court of Shadow and Echo.* I don't know, I feel as though my trust is easily gained, but always easily lost, also. Over thinking is honestly what I'm best at, and that sometimes get me into trouble. I hate that they all say I act like I'm better than everyone else. I don't. I act like me, always have. Honestly, I thought after... wow, five years, you would be fine with me being me. Can't believe it, five effing years. If you hate it so much, quit hanging around me. Problem solved. Just tell me that's what you're doing so I don't be "arrogant" by texting you when I didn't know that's what you were doing. I know this sounds like think my friends are disposable, but I really don't. All of my friends, I have a deep bond with them and that's what makes them my friends. Shadow, yeah, there's no "deep bond" there. He's a hobag and I can't stand him. He can't decide on nearly anything. To me, his exists would be meaningless if he wasn't my best friend's boyfriend. Actually, he used to be one of my friends, but told me various ways I could die/ kill myself and he wouldn't care. It made me want to take something to my throat, cut it just enough to bleed, and then go to school like that because one of the ways was that I could slit my throat. Haha, aren't you such a great person. Wait, let me prove my sarcastic side! This dude is effing amazing, like, seriously. He sssoo didn't seem judgmental of ALL Christians when he decided to be Satanic, didn't make any generalizations about my religion. I'm sure he's, like, an effing saint compared to me. He's so humble, and uber sweet. He doesn't hurt anything or one. He's the most perfectest person evers and I totally approve that he's with my best friend who is being sooo much more nicer to me now that's she's dating him. End of total sarcasm. In actuality, from my reality, Shadow made many generalizations about... everyone. He was surprised to receive kindness from one of the "preps" simply because they're a "prep." Choke me. I'm gonna laugh out loud if Echo reads this, all the way through. Won't gain me any brownie points, that's fer sure. OOHH, I wanna listen to that now, even though I should totally be in bed. Yeah, I've got that... strange mind set where anything I think of can, and will, come out through my fingers (or pencil onto paper IF I can). I'm so bubbly on the internet, by the way. I usually, in real life, have sense of, "Am I doing this in a me type of form?" but on the internet I'm like, "Who here knows me? No. Effing. One."
As you may be noticing, I say effing. Why not just type the word? I do not cuss. Darn right. Okay, back to my sexy train of thought, I was actually pretty ticked at Echo today after lunch. I mean, she basically called ALL cutters out there stupid. Idiot. The act of cutting may be stupid, but the people who do it aren't. What she actually said was, "I'm not stupid enough to do that." We were on the topic of her cutting, though. Some people with ACTUAL depression that isn't treated cut. People with VERY high IQs will get depression. Ohhh yeah, they're soooo stupid. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. I'm in one of those moods where my sarcasm is coming out quicker that it can be processed. RAWR!! I have this stupid reaction paper to write still! Can't believe I'm gonna put it off until tomorrow. I'm actually really happy that Echo went to the computer lab to work on hers because then I could speak freely about how stupid she sounded saying that she wasn't stupid enough to cut without being judged. What if I cut, Echo? Am I stupid then? Considering how highly you think of me after you started dating Shadow, you probably think I am without it. Hahaha, snort, haha. OOHHH, today I actually sounded rude. It was soooo strange. I was actually really tired and being the super smart boy that he is, Shadow brought me up, saying at least they would have one person with weird hair at the dance. Like I do this for everyone else. Uhhh, no. I do this because I effing wanna, moron. Anyway, I was too tired to sound sarcastic, but I sooo couldn't keep my sarcastic remark to myself. I barely lifted me head and looked at him and said, "No, I'm gonna wear a black wig...just to crush your dreams." Naturally, he went on the defense. Moron... Despite what he obviously thinks, I don't really mean him harm. Whatever, you know? He can think that and I can think ALL this. I can think Echo went out with him just so she would get attention. And attention she got. It was like, wow... How can this be monumental? I know, I know, I should be supportive, happy. No, sorry. Obviously I'm arrogant, stupid, rude, and some other things, but all of those point to me not being happy or supportive. Why do I think Echo did it for attention? She could've had him any other time before he went on this huge rampage at me, she could've done it next year, but she waited until he told me all this crap. I hate it. It feels as though she cares more about him and having him than about me or understanding why I'm mad. She hasn't even asked why I was mad. I had to tell her that it felt like a slap in the face. Obviously I don't matter too much, but just enough to lie to. She told me she valued our friendship more than dating him, so she was gonna talk to him about just being friends and if he wouldn't have it, she would just break up with him. Doubt she did. Whatever, Echo. Humorous, though, how after dating for less than a month she thinks I'm such a horrible person. I'm CHILDISH is the word you two are looking for. Not stupid, arrogant, ignorant, blah, blah. CHILDISH. Geesh.
I'm soo tired.
Staying alive for just one more day,
Vlad Nightshade.
*please note that Shadow is used simply because I don't feel like saying the dude's real name. This is better than what I call him in my journal, though. Echo is what she calls herself somewhere on here or used to at least.

P.S. Didn't mean to rant, just have built up emotions and not a single person really cares to actually hear them. Not one around me anyway. Whatever.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Moping Realities

I hate moping.
Moping is bad, but I am now moping. Due to the fact I'm 13, almost 14, I doubt I'm in love. No, I think I've go a stupid crush on a stupid person. Knowing that he doesn't like my type of people makes me mopey. What makes it worse is that I mean probably nothing to him. He's cute, and I used to know him and he was so sweet. Now, I hear he's really arrogant and such a jerk. I feel so stupid and out of place thinking about this. I wanna talk to him, but I think I'm scared he'll just ignore me and walk off. Choking on everything I wanna say to him isn't like me. I hate it, the way everything is. I'm suppose to be cool, untouchable.

"I just need a hug."
You shrug,
not your problem, you must think.
Then you'll see her and freaking wink.

I hate you,
but I think I'm trying not to.
So, we'll let time
fly and one of us will feel like this is a crime.

Thinking you're cute,
almost bad enough to make me want to pull the trigger and shoot.
Now, I want to bawl
instead of bouncing off the wall.

This is all I have to say about this. Haha.